Monthly Archives: December 2012

Happy New Year and 2013 Intentions

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I find the New Year to be a great time to reflect on people and events that I’m truly grateful for from 2012 and set my intentions for the coming year.

Let me begin by saying a big thanks to you, my readers, for checking out my blog and for supporting my dreams by purchasing my novels.  Without you, my dreams could never become a reality.

I feel incredibly grateful to my husband who pushed me to try again to get My Body-His published in 2012. Having someone supporting you in pursuit of your dreams is invaluable. I’m grateful for Catherine from Fanny Press who saw and sees the value in my writing.

I’m grateful for my daughter who is an exceptional teenager and makes me feel like the best mother in the world and for my two stepdaughters and family that I love so much. I so appreciate my family and close friends for their enthusiasm and support of me chasing my dreams.

I’m hugely grateful to have found a man who encourages me to be me and for loving me all the while. Isn’t that what we are all looking for?

And finally, I’m grateful to myself for taking better care of my body and spirit this year and taking the risk of seeking publishing for my dark erotic novels.

I read an article the other day “Five Things You Can Do Instead of New Year’s Resolution” by Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D. which suggested that instead of setting your New Year’s resolutions you would serve yourself better by doing these five things:

  1. Write yourself a letter from your future self, letting you know what accomplishments you made in 2013.  Kind of like positive projection from your older self. (We did a dream list instead which was a lot of fun to do.)
  2. List your favorite moments and accomplishments from 2012.  (I like this one a lot. I think it’s too easy to focus on the negative and far more helpful to our overall outlook if we focus on the positive.)
  3. She goes on to suggest that we should make a list of the five things we are most looking forward to in 2013. (We decided to create a list of intentions.)
  4. List what you are grateful for. (See above.  That was my list from Thanksgiving which is another yearly tradition.)
  5. Lastly, make a commitment to someone else. She recommends donating your time or money to a cause you care about.

I have set a handful of intentions for the new year and I will share a few of them with you:

  • I will continue to take great care of my body and spirit and to increase my fitness while maintaining my current weight. (There is nothing better than exercise to keep me grounded and positive.)
  • I will finish My Body-Mine, the third novel in the My Body Trilogy no later than March 1st.  I plan to have the first draft done by the end of January but want to have plenty of time to edit and rework as necessary.
  • As soon as MBM is finalized, I will help my husband finish, edit and get his novel published.  I’m very excited to help him accomplish his dreams as well.
  • Find more cool places to hike in the Northwest!  Have any suggestions for me?

I would love to hear what you have set for your intentions in the New Year. Please share with us.

Check back next week for my blog called Pussywillow. 😉

Warm hugs and safe partying,

Blakely

Please feel free to friend me on Facebook by clicking here.

Or follow the My Body Trilogy Facebook page by clicking here.

Find My Body-His Marcello (book two) for pre-sale on Amazon here.

Expectations Part Deux

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In my first blog on expectations I wrote about positive and negative filters but didn’t address being invested in a particular outcome. I remember a great example of a time when my expectations were sorely tested. One Saturday morning, the only day that week we had to sleep in, we were lying in bed beginning to get amorous but still not quite part of the waking world when the phone rang at 9:00 AM…rude on a Saturday in my not so humble opinion.

This was back when I was doing bookkeeping and there was a meeting set for the morning. I had previously provided them with the reports they had requested but the man on the phone wanted more. So I booted up my computer and shot over more reports. Then, before I could steal back to bed, another call came in asking me financial questions that my brain was not up to speed to answer. Keep in mind this meeting was formed and called at the last minute on a Saturday morning which I was NOT required to attend. Turns out the financial question was a simple one that had I been asked later in the day would have been blatantly apparent but instead, an hour passed until it was resolved. Anger had done its job by that point in waking me up completely.

So what does all of that have to do with expectations? By the time the impromptu phone conference finished, neither my husband nor I were in the head space to head back to bed. Our expectations for our Saturday morning were shot and really affected our mood.

My idealized self is a go-with-the-flow kind of woman but the truth of me is that a very aggravating meeting first thing in the morning messed with my mojo. I’m happy to say we were able to shake it off by that evening and had a wonderful Sunday together but it certainly made me think about how attached I am to my expectations.

To me it felt especially harsh given that Saturdays are MY time with my husband and I hate when other people’s piss poor planning effects my day. The hardest part was being aware of how much it impacted both my husband and me. It did, however, stimulate another blog for me to write so it wasn’t all bad. 😉

I do tend to be flexible about change especially when it’s not interfering with my free time. My husband and daughter have a harder time adjusting to unexpected change and it’s a good thing to know about a person. It makes it easier to understand why someone gets upset when things go in an unexpected direction.

I know I could have chosen not to answer the phone that morning and if I had to do it all over again I probably would have let the call go to voice mail. Next time I will.

I must add the caveat that for people like me, who like surprises, the unexpected can sometimes be very welcomed. Just don’t get me out of bed early when I have other things on my mind!

How do you handle unexpected changes when you have expectations of how something will go? Is it easy for you to let it roll off your back or do you have a hard time adjusting? Please share your comments and stories.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Please feel free to friend me on Facebook by clicking here.

Or follow the My Body Trilogy Facebook page by clicking here.

Find My Body-His Marcello for pre-sale on Amazon here.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

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I hope all my readers are enjoying this holiday season.  I wanted to share with you the wonderful and thoughtful gift my step-daughter and son-in-law made for me.  Check out this cool ornament which will now be a yearly tradition on our tree.

I will post my usual weekly blog tomorrow.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Please feel free to friend me on Facebook by clicking here.

Or follow the My Body Trilogy Facebook page by clicking here.

Expectations and Filters

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A while back, my husband put a new hinge on our daughter’s bedroom door so her cat can go in and out without our daughter having to open and close it for the cat. We have the same hinge on the door to our family room and Joey, the cat, has no problems going in and out by himself. However, it took the silly cat a long time to figure out that he could now open our daughter’s door the same way. He expected that he could not open the door, so in turn he could not until he learned otherwise.

I think we humans behave in the same way. We harbor expectations that can be powerful in influencing the way events are shaped. I think we often experience what we expect to experience. I say, focus on the positive and the chances of a positive outcome are so much better. I’m no Pollyanna and understand life isn’t always that simple but I also have known enough people with different mind sets to witness how much a person’s overall point of view can affect their experience of life.

We have a limited capacity for absorbing copious amounts of information, so we have evolved into creatures of deletion. We filter either consciously or unconsciously to keep our sanity about us. How is it that several people can share an experience, one person can walk away feeling great about it and another person can be sorely disappointed?  To me it comes down to filters and expectations.

Many factors can influence how we take in and process information, everything from biochemistry to a spilled cup of coffee. You might wake up in a bad mood and the day just goes downhill from there or you get the job you were hoping for and the world is a wonderful place.

The events that just took place in Connecticut really rocked both my husband and me.  It really affected our moods and outlooks.  For both of us it was compounded by the gun advocates and some of their crazy rhetoric and the religious sect saying that it happened because god isn’t allowed in schools. I wish I had filtered out all that noise that further hurt my heart.

I think some of our expectations and filters, as in this case of Sandy Hook, simply come down to inherent personality traits and/or modeling. I personally prefer to focus on the positive and keep my expectations up, even in the face of tragedy but it was really hard after the events in Connecticut.

I know you won’t always get a great outcome just because you think you might and vice versa but I do think if you interface with the world from a negative space, you will find all the negativity you need or want to make yourself right and justify your actions.

I wish there was something profound I could say to the people who have recently been touched by the barbaric violence of late. I can only hope that it motivates change in our current gun laws, mental health practices and causes the shift we all so need.

On a more positive note, I have found, in regards to making friends, that the best filter in the world is me being me. Of course, it’s not about how I filter information but more about how others filter me. 🙂 I am straight forward and that works for some people and for others, not so much. Some like my style which is great and some find me too blunt and quickly move along. As we have told our daughter repeatedly over the years, the best way to find the people you really connect with is by showing your true self.

How do you see your expectations and filters impacting your life? I would love to read your comments.

Warm hugs,

Blakey

Please feel free to friend me on Facebook by clicking here.

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Love is a Verb

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Love has been on my mind a lot lately while working on My Body-Mine, the third book in the My Body Trilogy but also from a real life perspective. In the last two weeks, I have found myself in three different conversations regarding love that I did not initiate. It’s really interesting to hear other people’s perspectives of what love is for them and how it works.

For me, love is an action.

Behavior is more trustworthy than words and words mean nothing when the behavior doesn’t match the affirmation, “I love you!”.   I’m sure everyone has heard of or seen a situation where a couple is supposed to be “in love” but one member of the couple is very abusive to the other like with Luke and Jane in My Body-His. To me, words are easy to throw around but it’s what you do that really shows whether or not you love someone.

So, my first conversation was with an old friend from childhood and he stated rather empathically that love is fleeting. I quickly countered that from my experience that is not the case.  My husband and I have been together almost 18 years now and for us, our love has grown and evolved over the years.  Even when we experienced growing pains, individually or collectively, we have always ended up better and closer on the other side of it.  It would be silly for me to dismiss his assumption out of hand because many love relationships are fleeting in our culture.  I just know that love doesn’t have to be an ever waning experience.  A few of our close friends also have wonderful love relationships, longer than ours, that are totally inspirational. So from our experience, love is alive and well and something that can keep blossoming.

The second conversation had to do with loving and liking someone.  My contention is that you can love someone and not like them much at all.  A relatively new friend of mine was adamant that if you love someone, you have to like them too. There have been times with my parents, my husband and even with my daughter where I didn’t particularly like them in a given moment or longer but I always loved them.  For me you can feel both or either at a given time.

In the third conversation, at a get together this past weekend, one man ask another to share his definition of love. He said that the best definition of love he had heard was that love is an emotion that focuses on the good parts of someone while having blinders to the bad stuff. That was the general gist anyway. I would argue that real love sees all the parts of the person and loves them despite their flaws or even because of them.  I shared with them that to me love is a verb, the behaviors that show how you feel about another.  Does Luke love Jane? Does he even like her?  I would have to say that based on his behavior he has no clue what loving someone really looks like.

So what are the behaviors of love? I’m sitting here and wondering if this is a universal answer or just a Blakely answer. I hope you, my readers, will chime in on this one. For me love is about time, attention, support, and having a positive regard for your partner. Whether it’s a touch on the shoulder in passing, a kiss just before you leave for work, cleaning up the kitchen even though it’s “their” job that night, spooning in bed, making love, working on yourself to be a better partner or parent, offering support when needed…the list really is endless.  Those are the actions of love and the real definition to me.

Another facet of romantic love for me is the want to satisfy my partner. I understand that relationships are complicated and that not everyone prioritizes intimacy like we do but I also don’t understand how you can love someone and not care at all if they are satisfied sexually. Many people I know have stopped having sex with their partners or have far less sex than they would like. Just last night we watched the movie called Hope Springs and in that film the couple hadn’t had sex in four years. That is unfathomable to me because making love is the very best part of being in love!

The people I love in my life, friends and family, are people I invest my time and energy in.  Love is definitely more than a feeling for me.

Do you see love as an action or an emotion? What do you do to show your love to another?

Warm hugs,

Blakely

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Or follow the My Body Trilogy Facebook page by clicking here.

BDSM

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It has been interesting to read the reviews from people within the BDSM lifestyle.  I regret not placing an author’s note at the beginning of My Body-His explaining that this novel is not about a healthy Dom/sub relationship but quite to the contrary.  I never set out to depict a story with a healthy power dynamic. Jane’s journey is a dark one with ultimate self-recovery in the end.

I have no issues at all with the lifestyle and my novel was never meant to be a negative commentary of BDSM.

For me there are healthy and unhealthy relationships in any given dynamic and I assumed, falsely I’m now gathering, that people would see Jane’s and Luke’s relationship for what it is.  Sometimes two people come together and it’s a toxic mix. I see BDSM as the backdrop in their dysfunctional dance.

Relationships have been the subject matter of novels for forever and typically if you pick up a romance novel you are expecting it to be a good coupling or at least a good resolution and coming together in the end.  In erotic suspense, which is the genre of My Body-His, there definitely should not be the same expectations.

I do wonder if people assume because the book is erotica that also means romance.  There is a huge difference between erotic suspense and erotic romance.

From reading the reviews and talking to friends I now know that Luke and Jane’s relationship is a TPE (total power exchange). That notion seems to piss off the BDSM reviewers the most because Jane doesn’t seem to really want it. I would argue that she does choose it regardless of the conflict she feels over it.

I must add that I’m loving that people are having passionate responses to My Body-His and I know My Body-His (Marcello) will equally push the edge of your emotions, rooting Jane on to take her life back.

I welcome your comments on this topic.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

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