BDSM

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It has been interesting to read the reviews from people within the BDSM lifestyle.  I regret not placing an author’s note at the beginning of My Body-His explaining that this novel is not about a healthy Dom/sub relationship but quite to the contrary.  I never set out to depict a story with a healthy power dynamic. Jane’s journey is a dark one with ultimate self-recovery in the end.

I have no issues at all with the lifestyle and my novel was never meant to be a negative commentary of BDSM.

For me there are healthy and unhealthy relationships in any given dynamic and I assumed, falsely I’m now gathering, that people would see Jane’s and Luke’s relationship for what it is.  Sometimes two people come together and it’s a toxic mix. I see BDSM as the backdrop in their dysfunctional dance.

Relationships have been the subject matter of novels for forever and typically if you pick up a romance novel you are expecting it to be a good coupling or at least a good resolution and coming together in the end.  In erotic suspense, which is the genre of My Body-His, there definitely should not be the same expectations.

I do wonder if people assume because the book is erotica that also means romance.  There is a huge difference between erotic suspense and erotic romance.

From reading the reviews and talking to friends I now know that Luke and Jane’s relationship is a TPE (total power exchange). That notion seems to piss off the BDSM reviewers the most because Jane doesn’t seem to really want it. I would argue that she does choose it regardless of the conflict she feels over it.

I must add that I’m loving that people are having passionate responses to My Body-His and I know My Body-His (Marcello) will equally push the edge of your emotions, rooting Jane on to take her life back.

I welcome your comments on this topic.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

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The Biology of Cheating

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Arnold Schwarzenegger in the past spurred a lot of debate in the news, online, and on talk shows in regards to his cheating and fathering a child with another woman. I have been pretty hard on people, men especially, for having affairs. This blog isn’t about condoning or vilifying Arnold’s actions but more about looking at our society at large and discussing the biology of humans.

I believe that our culture, like every other one, is contrived. Many of the “rules” of society originated through religion many years ago and may have had some merit, or not. If you’ve studied culture at all, you know that what is “normal” in one part of the world can be considered barbaric, odd or just plain wrong in another part of the world and therefore culture and our societal norms are completely changeable.

It’s clear to me that “mid-life crisis” is very real and from the statistics I have gathered, it hits about 25% of the population between 39-50 years of age. The psychology community seems to feel it’s based on the realization that the person in crisis is getting older and will eventually die.  If we look deeply into the behavior of societies and less at the morality of specific actions, I wonder if it’s not more of a biological manifestation. It seems to me that many humans seem to be biologically motivated to find another partner or partners. The driving force? I believe it is to spread the seed for men, and to find another mate for procreation for women.

After originally posting this blog, I found a current article that was published in the Scientific Journal about a study of apes who the scientists say have ‘mid-life’ crises.  Check it out: http://m.apnews.com/ap/db_289563/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=NI0rLvQm

Why do people cheat? For one, we live in a society where the honest expression of one’s needs and desires are deemed unacceptable. You are viewed as a flawed human being with something inherently wrong with you if you desire more than one sexual partner. There is not much room in our societal norms to address those needs appropriately and transparently. To a large degree, it is best performed in secret, while condemning others who have been caught or staunchly defending the monogamous credo while cheating at the same time. At least it seems that way in the world of politics and religion, a venue of power DOMinated by men…no pun intended. 😉

Should we be able to override our biological urges and desires? I know that many professionals think so. Religion certainly speaks to it. Is that a realistic notion given that the biological drive is a powerful urge which simply overrides logic? I wonder about this because why would people who cheat risk everything that they have worked so hard for? I don’t see the logical sense in that. Could we as a people be set for self-destructive behavior? I don’t think so. Biologically we are driven to procreate to keep our species alive and I believe that leads us to behave outside of the morality of the day. BIO-logic is far stronger than reason logic.

I do fantasize about a more transparent existence but I also think I’m hoping for Utopia and we all know Utopia is a fictitious place.  Hmmm, maybe something to incorporate into my next novel. 😉

What do you all think? Please chime in.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

The Effects of Pornography on Our Sex Culture

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I want to be clear that for the most part, I don’t have issues with pornography or the 13 billion dollar a year industry. I personally prefer to read sexy stories rather than watch overt copulation, so porn is really not an avenue for my sexual arousal, although in all honesty I have watched videos in the past and more recently, a few for research sake. Most videos do not feel authentic and therefore are a turn off to me (fake moaning is the worst!). Because only 30% of women can reach orgasm from sexual intercourse alone, the industry misrepresents the other 70% of women and yet for the industry that seems to be the main portrayal of sexual fulfillment in pornography.  Okay so maybe I do have some issues with it. 😉

I just watched a video in which a clip of a Jeff Probst Show featured Cindy Gallop. She is adamant that we all need to be reeducated, especially those who are younger and who avidly watch porn. 99.9% of porn, according to Cindy, is produced by men for men and gives a skewed view of sexual intimacy where the ultimate goal is male satisfaction, which is not beneficial to women. On her website, www.makelovenotporn.com she addresses the more realistic needs of women and what fulfilling sex really looks like.

Cindy states that because there is no counter point in our society to talk openly about sex, people believe the artificial entertainment of porn is the real deal.

I have a few male friends who have mentioned that they think their porn watching might leave them less inclined to have sex with their partners. If porn is interfering with real contact and connection then it has become a problem in my opinion.

Some people have referred to My Body-His as being pornography and I’m not sure it qualifies. When I looked up the definitions of erotica and porn, they have the same one. I would argue though that the definition, “Creative activity (writing or pictures or films etc.) of no literary or artistic value other than to stimulate sexual desire,” does not fit. My novels do more than stimulate sexual desire so maybe we need a whole new term for it. That’s my opinion anyway and I’m sticking to it. 🙂

Personally, I believe there are many expression of sexuality and I’m not here to judge other people’s choices. It would be nice, however, if men could represent a more real world perspective of sex and women would step to the plate and create something that would resonate more with women and reality.

I would love to hear your views on this topic.  Please share with us.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Reviews

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It has been interesting for me to read the reviews of My Body-His. The last two reviewers really hated Luke, the main male character. I imagined people would feel more like Bookie Nookie who wrote, “Honestly, Luke is one of those heroes you love to hate and I can’t really decide at the moment if I want him or want to kill him.”

I don’t quite understand the abject hatred of Luke. I see him as a flawed, damaged character and Jane can choose to leave at any time. Of course, I know more of the back story than the rest of the readers that comes to light in My Body-His (Marcello) the second book of the My Body trilogy. I didn’t intend for people to hate him, however I did hope people would feel Jane’s plight and it is clear to me that is happening.

I honestly see more of a love to hate him scenario than a hate to hate him. It will be interesting to hear the views of the men who read the novel (all the reviewers have been female so far). I wonder if men will feel the same way about Luke.

One reviewer didn’t care for Jane either and another said she thought Jane was addicted to the orgasms Luke doled out. I don’t see Jane as addicted to the sex which Luke uses to keep her engaged. She is addicted to his love and approval which he dishes out and then takes away again. That is the addiction for Jane.

Of course the wonderful thing about reading a book is that you get to decide what it all means to you and with that, I will let you all decide for yourself.

Now that the book is out, I would love to know what you think.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Who Has the Power in Your Relationship?

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I asked a couple of my girlfriends, “Who has the power in your relationship?” One said that she thought she did sometimes and her husband did other times. However, her husband was sitting on the other side of me and he stated empathically that she has the power, because even if he feels differently about how something should be done, she ends up wearing him down and they do what she wants. I asked my other girlfriend who was sitting with us the same question and she said that her boyfriend learned from his past marriages three things: “Keep Momma happy, keep Momma happy, and keep Momma happy.” So in both of those cases the women have the power in their relationships.

Jane, in My Body-His and My Body-His (Marcello), gives away her power leaving a gross imbalance. She can never really find her equilibrium without having an equal say. I understand there are people who love to relinquish all control because I have chatted with a few but I am speaking to the more common relationship dynamic.

My husband and I have found a way to compromise as we both have strong opinions and personalities. We share the power. We sometimes argue about it but less and less as the years go on.

Girlfriend #2 asked me if I have some judgment over what works best and at the time I said, “We all have our dance to work out.” But after pondering for a while, the truth is I do have some opinions around it. I believe, unless you are married to a completely selfless person, resentment must build when one person continually gives up what they want or how they think something should be handled which can lead to passive-aggressive behavior. I don’t believe a truly healthy relationship exists if one person is always giving in.

Part of really loving another person is valuing how they see life and what they need out of it. If it’s always about what one person wants, that seems pretty selfish to me. Relationships are about compromise and sharing life’s challenges equally.  It’s not a compromise if one person is always having it “their” way. Compromise is midway between two extremes and not about giving in.

Taking a superior position of one’s own opinions is a form of control and a way of getting what you want. I have a hard time imagining that this type of dynamic can beget a close intimate relationship.  For me it shows a lack of respect for the other person.

This all ties back into honesty and the fear of confrontation that I wrote about in “We Kill Our Intimacy with Politeness”. The fear of confrontation that many people have is the very thing that allows others to control them. So while we experience an immediate feeling of “safety” by avoiding confrontation, the long term consequences is the loss of personal integrity and the possibility for a close, intimate connection.

For me, finding a balance of power in all my relationships promotes a fair, respectful, and harmonious existence. Still working on this with some of the people in my life, but learning more every day.

Who has the power in your relationship? How do you negotiate when you have a difference of opinion?

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Limerence and/or NRE

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“Limerence” and New Relationship Energy (NRE) is the state of biochemical pleasure that so many people crave and yet really don’t understand. It’s the very intense feelings you have in the beginning of a new relationship. Dorothy Tennov coined the term limerence in 1979 in her book called, “Love and Limerence”.

Limerence can cause a whole host of behaviors from the more mild forms of being unable to focus, always thinking about the person of desire, checking your phone or email messages obsessively, and in the most extreme cases you might find a person resorting to stalking behaviors. NRE is a term used in the same vein but without the obsessive aspects.

Jane, most definitely suffers from limerence in My Body-His and confuses it with love.

Most people, like Jane’s character, are unconscious about what motivates their choices and decisions when in a limerent or NRE state and tend to confuse it with love. If people were more aware of the neurological effects, they could still enjoy the wonderful biochemical dance running through their blood stream but not succumb to the crazy behaviors or thought patterns that can manifest during the throes of unbridled hormonal passion best known as dopamine- the “LOVE” connection.

People, who tend to have very short-term relationships, are probably addicted to the limerent chemical rush and/or NRE. As soon as its effects begin to wear off, they move on to a “new” relationship. Hey, it’s good stuff and rumor has it that it can last up to 2 years. I’m here to testify that the good parts can last much, much longer when there is open and honest communication and ongoing intimacy. My husband and I still have it!

Limerence, not understood, can lead people to make bad choices for themselves like moving across the country for someone they barely know or getting married before they have figured out whether or not they are truly compatible or ending a long marriage over an affair.

I think NRE is great and know it can really work for people if they stay conscious enough to deal with it responsibly and knowledgably. Let love rule but don’t let it cloud your brain.

Warm hugs,

Blakely www.amazon.com/author/blakelybennett
http://www.amazon.com/My-Body-His-Blakely-Bennett/dp/1603815236/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349791682&sr=8-1&keywords=My+Body-His
http://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Body-His-series/359307324147300

Man Sweat

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I recently read an interesting article entitled “Why the smell of a man’s armpit is a turn-on” by Fiona Macrae. I find it especially intriguing because we as a cultured do so much to try to cover our natural odors.

According to the article, male sweat contains a compound called Androstadienone. Scientists say that just a few sniffs and a woman’s mood is lightened and her sexual arousal is raised.

I have no doubts about this at all. A good manly smell is such a turn on and now I know that this smell affects me hormonally, physiologically, and psychologically according to the article. What a power packed punch!

Another interesting fact stated in the article is that women on the pill seem to be immune to the smell.

They did another interesting study where women were broken into two groups. One group rated photos of men and the second group rated the same photos but unbeknownst to them they were subjected to the smell of male sweat at the same time. The women in the second group rated the men much higher than the women in the first group.

It was also mentioned in the article that we use smell to find a good match. The more different they smell from us the better the match in regards to the immune system and it keep us from mating with those genetically close to us.

I feel the need to make the pitch to reduce all the unnecessary smells in our lives especially scented laundry detergent. I personally hate to hug someone and get the stinky laundry detergent smell. It’s so egregious that it covers everything else.

This is probably TMI but I adore my husband’s smell and in fact if he has showered I’m not as turned on by his scent. I much prefer his smell by the end of the day!

This leads me to another thought. Can you be in love with someone whose smell you don’t like? I would think not. What do you think?

To all my friends, fans, and their families on the east coast, you are in my thoughts tonight and I hope that you all weathered this storm unharmed.  Here’s hoping the clean up and recovery go quickly and smoothly.  Having experienced too many hurricanes in Florida I now reside in the Great Northwest.

Warm hugs,

Blakely www.amazon.com/author/blakelybennett
http://www.amazon.com/My-Body-His-Blakely-Bennett/dp/1603815236/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349791682&sr=8-1&keywords=My+Body-His
http://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Body-His-series/359307324147300

Could Lack of Sex Be Killing You?

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According to Dr. Oz, the leading health problem in the United States isn’t obesity but lack of sex. The average sex life is once a week, thank god I don’t live by that standard! The good doctor says if you increase having sex from once a week to twice a week you will live three years longer. I wonder if that is exponential if you have it even more often.

I hear so much from men about how their wives have just completely lost interest in sex. I have to wonder if it’s because A. they are sucky lovers (sorry guys), B. they don’t work on having a close intimate relationship with their wife, (most women need a connection to want to have sex) or C. their wives need their hormones checked.

According to Dr. Oz’s article, one in seven women has never cum. No orgasms. Zip, nada, zilch. I can’t even imagine it. Guess what the biggest hang up is regarding sex? Can you guess it?  ~People are too scared to talk about sex.~ As I have said before, it’s unfathomable to me because how do you get your needs met if you can’t even communicate them? YOU DON’T!

Dr. Mike Moreno says sex can boost your immune system, reduce the risk of prostate cancer, and protect your heart. Because of the biochemical released, it can reduce stress and make you happier. For women going through menopause, the more sex the better which reduces the chance of vaginal dryness. Dr. Mike agrees with Dr. Oz, sex adds years to your life. Dr. Mike prescribes sex at least three times a week.

I, for one, would like to live a long, healthy life and it’s good to know I’m adding years by having the time of my life.

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcomed.

Warm hugs,

Blakely www.amazon.com/author/blakelybennett
http://www.amazon.com/My-Body-His-Blakely-Bennett/dp/1603815236/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349791682&sr=8-1&keywords=My+Body-His
http://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Body-His-series/359307324147300

Values and Standards

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Values and standards are an interesting topic to me because they express so many dimensions that can effect a person’s life. I think one of the biggest impacts happens when we allow other people’s standards or values to dictate how we see ourselves or worse how we choose to behave because of fear of rejection or other negative ramifications. Our personal choices are the most powerful attribute we have as humans so why do we give it away?

The timeliest example I can think of has to do with my novels.  When I first tried to find an agent back in early 2009, I still had a very hard time talking about my books.  I felt embarrassed by what I thought other people would think.  Would they think me a sex fiend or assume, as some have, that the story is about me?  Could their opinions of me be so changeable regarding the dream I had chosen?  I think the biggest internal conflict people face is the pull between what they deem as right and good and the pressure that comes from other people’s opinions or worse, judgments.

I believe that relationships can be the hardest arena to navigate these issues.   I’m certain you won’t find any two people who agree on everything. The worst thing you can do in a relationship is take the position that YOUR values and YOUR standards are better/higher than another’s values.  The truth is that a lot of what we buy into is a fundamental part of our upbringing and cultural and even time period. So one’s values are not better than another, just different.

I’m happy to report that my feelings regarding my own works of fiction have changed.  The change came prior to the 50 Shades phenomena but I’m certain that the door has been opened to allow greater acceptance of alternative erotica because of E L James.

In My Body-His, Jane battles this very issue and allows it to create a gulf between her and her best friends.  She assumes her friends will not understand her choices and will instead be judgmental.  Instead of going to them for much needed support, she struggles on her own which leaves her feeling isolated and confused.

I think the best course of action is to feel good about our own choices without worrying too much about what the rest of the world might think about the routes we have chosen.  No greatness has come from following the pathway already carved.

How do differing values and standards effect your life?  Please share with us.

Warm hugs,

Blakely www.amazon.com/author/blakelybennett
http://www.amazon.com/My-Body-His-Blakely-Bennett/dp/1603815236/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349791682&sr=8-1&keywords=My+Body-His
http://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Body-His-series/359307324147300

First Review of My Body-His

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I’m so excited and wanted to share this with you all. http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/430419917

Let me know what you think.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

www.amazon.com/author/blakelybennett
http://www.amazon.com/My-Body-His-Blakely-Bennett/dp/1603815236/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349791682&sr=8-1&keywords=My+Body-His
http://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Body-His-series/359307324147300