Category Archives: Author’s Blog Posts

The Power of Love and Hugs

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tumblr_m8ki1hKNrh1rclhx0o1_250Don Juan DeMarco is a favorite movie of my husband’s and he watches it every few years. He watched it a few days ago as I tackled my social media and at the very end, this quote caught my imagination. “… (Don Juan) suffered from a romanticism which was completely incurable and even worse, highly contagious.” I think I’ve caught it. 😉

Imagine if love was contagious like an air borne disease. Wouldn’t that be glorious? Can you picture it? You’re walking down the street, minding your own business and you look up and find a couple in front of you making out. Like a spell cast, you head back home to find your wife and you wrap her up in a big warm hug. “I just had to tell you how much I love you,” you say.

We already know, from many studies, that hate is infectious. I assume most people are familiar with the blue-eyes, brown eyes experiment that Jane Elliot developed and used on her third grade class. If not, there are several articles online. The short version is that she split her class into two groups based on eye color and treated each group differently. The lesson was set out to teach about discrimination most especially regarding how black people were treated in the 60s. The experiment showed how easily we can group together against another community of people based on contrived cultural biases.

Why doesn’t it work the other way? Why isn’t love contagious?

Although it may not be contagious, we still feel its influence. We feel enriched when we hear of a great true love story and I, for one, never tire of hearing them. My husband and I have been told that our love is inspiring and gives people hope. I don’t think there is a bigger compliment than being an inspiration to someone else.

We are part of a wonderful community—two actually—where we share affection in the form of hugs with our friends. Hugs are a wonderful way to connect with those you love and care about. A warm embrace can shift a bad mood and/or make a person feel far less alone.

Check out this video on Free Hugs (It makes me cry every time):

 

Like love, hugs should be catching. Mata Amritanandamayi, otherwise known as the hugging saint, understands the power of the hug and has shared her physical embrace with millions of people.

Annie, my black stripped tiger kitty is lying across half of my lap and has her paw extended touching my right forearm. My left arm is draped over her back as I type and she is purring loudly. Just as she needs her daily affection, so do we. She is also brilliant at giving hugs. She loves to lay across my shoulder and press her head against my neck.

In the final book of the My Body Trilogy, Jane finally understands one of life’s most important lessons about love and connection.  That’s all I’m going to share about that. 😉 But suffice it to say, we could all use a little more true love and affection infection each and every day.  I hope we all “catch” the love bug and share it regularly.

Very warm hugs,

Blakely

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The Journey or the Destination?

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imagesWhile my husband and I were at a dance recently, I had an epiphany. It’s not surprising that the thought came to me while dancing because I find incredible freedom in moving to music where my mind can get totally lost in the sway to the song (Thank you, Justin Timberlake for Suit and Tie). Totally connected to my body and the grooving beat, this is what popped in: I should be proud of my accomplishments and worry less about the destination.

I have two books published with the third of the My Body Trilogy coming out July 15th. My social media followers and friends are growing faster and faster each day. I’m balancing lots of work with plenty of time off and am content with my life.

For the first time ever, I find myself driven and focused and there is good reason for it. I’m chasing my dream job as an author and hoping to be a huge success. I want financial freedom for my husband and me so he too can focus on writing full-time.

The continuous drive is all well and good but I need to stop and smell the proverbial roses. I need to integrate and honor the small successes along the way and not solely focus on the end goal.

It’s hard at times because people are frequently asking me about my book sales and how it’s going. Is it appropriate to say, “Not as well as I’d hoped but it’s still early,” or “None of your fucking business?” Joking about the last comment but many people say things like, “Are you famous yet?” and “You must be rich.”

Unless you are E. L. James and a fluke (a rather good fluke), becoming a successful author is a process, and like any business, it takes time. I signed a contract with my publisher one year ago. My Body-His came out in November 2012, and My Body-His (Marcello) was released in March 2013. I have been told (not sure if there is any truth to it) that my books have a better chance of success once all novels of the trilogy are out. Fingers crossed!

So as I continued to gyrate to the beat of the song, I acknowledge that we, those who chase the dream, are few and far between and I should be proud to be among my fellow authors and artist making a go of it.

I’m sure I’ll have to remind myself that although the goal is important in keeping me motivated, the successes along the way need to be celebrated.

Like just now, I am holding My Body-Mine in my hands for the first time and I’m just in love with the cover. It’s thicker than book one and two because it’s longer and I can’t wait for my readers and fans to read the finale of the trilogy. I have done it. I not only have written one book but three and they will all soon be out in circulation.

I also excited to have the My Body Trilogy Blog Tour set for the end of July and you can join in the festivities and help me celebrate my successes.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my musing and as always, I love to read your comments.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Please feel free to friend me on Facebook.
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Push Through or Walk Away?

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walking a clear pathI consider myself to be self-reflective. I try to look past what I’m doing to why I’m doing it or why I’m reacting. I also like to explore what motivates a particular response or even how I can behave differently.

The hardest part for me is when I continuously hit up against the same stimulus with the same response even though I am working hard to move past it.  It’s the most frustrating when I feel like I have grown only to find my emotions stirred up again in the same way as before.

In the past, I have held this belief that I can move past any issue if I’m willing to dig to the core of me. Because of this I sometimes take on more of the responsibility when an issue comes up than may be warranted (according to my husband).

Now I realized that sometimes the best thing, the healthiest thing, is to move away from the stimulus. I don’t mean from a ‘hiding’ standpoint but from acknowledging that the situation isn’t healthy and it’s time to move on. I had previously held the position that moving through the issue was always the best way to go but now I’m not so sure that’s always the right course of action. Reactions aren’t always just the mirror of our past but maybe a way of protecting us in the present.

Anytime I have a reaction that I don’t like, I tend to assume that I need to do something to change the circumstance or myself. Maybe all I need to do is remove myself from the situation. Unfortunately, it’s not always so black and white and easily discernible.

If you’ve read my novels, then you can probably see where Jane gets her introspection. I played with this concept of trying to evolve past the current situation. Sometimes we must, even in the case of family and friends, extract ourselves from the situations that don’t support us and our wellbeing. You will see Jane evolve in this manner throughout the arc of the trilogy.

The best example I can think of to illustrate the challenge happened when I worked in “corporate America.” I had a job and a half to get done in the traditional 40 hour week and as much as I tried and struggled, I couldn’t handle the stress of all the work not getting done that kept getting heaped on my plate. I had to rush from one thing to another never fully feeling satisfied with the outcome. Being away from the situation, I can now easily see that the job was an awful fit for me and the struggles I put myself through were simply me trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Back then though, I truly thought I should be able to change something within myself to make it work.

Fortunately, I now get to chase the dream of a published author (thanks to my wonderful husband) and that is far more satisfying. There are still times I run up against myself and other people’s personalities but at least I’m working for myself now and setting my own schedule.

Life continues to astound and amaze me and I am fascinated to continually learn more about the facets of myself and others.

How do you handle something you would like to change about yourself? Do you spend the time trying to figure out what motivates you?

Thanks for reading and please share your comments.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Please feel free to friend me on Facebook.
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Social Media Etiquette

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Hand holding a Social Media 3d SphereI would like to start by thanking all the wonderful authors and readers I have had a chance to meet online. I have never met a better, more supportive group of friends. Thanks for reposting my links, friending me, offering me advice, and generally being a really positive force in the process of being an author. Another thanks goes out to those on Twitter that take the time to tweet for me, rather than just retweeting. I’m starting to learn more about how to do that for you and plan to do more of it when I have the time.

My online friends have offered me incredible advice like “advertise less on FB and share more about yourself” to “keeping something you want retweeted at the top of your Twitter page.” Their support has inspired me to write this blog to offer my own advice.

First off and a pet peeve of mine, do not post your promotions on someone else’s Facebook wall. That’s what your wall is for. If you would like to post something on their wall other than, “thanks for the friendship,” then ask first. I find it incredibly rude and presumptuous when people do that and I quickly delete their posts.

Do not tag people into a picture that they are not in just so they will see your post or put out a mass direct message. These are gross misuses of what FB features are meant for and just ends up pissing off your friends. I was tagged in a post with several pictures of pot roast, (which looked incredibly unappetizing to me) and I don’t eat mammal. I can’t imagine what she hoped to accomplish by tagging me and about 100 other people. Many expressed their displeasure in comments.

Please consider not using your FB wall to express your dissatisfaction with life, family, friends, other authors or the publishing industry. This especially goes to other authors who are trying to create a following and a forum. I sometimes consider unfriending those who seem to be so negative all the time. I know everyone has bad days and I do as well. Just consider what you are putting out there and if you are inspiring people to want to read what you have to say.

On twitter, it’s great to be thanked for retweeting but even better for you to return the favor. Retweeting says thank you to me. Also, consider leaving what you’d like retweeted at the top of your page, as I mentioned above, so we don’t have to scan down several pages to find something to retweet for you. A huge thanks to all of you who do so. It really reduces the time I spend on social media.

Here are some other biggies: DO NOT spend money purchasing reviews, DO NOT beg people to buy your books and DO NOT assume because I write erotica, I want to talk about sex with you (FB is not a dating site). I have recently seen some advertisements for reviews for $9.95 and it made me cringe. Ask your close friends and family (only those who have actually read your books) if they will post a review for you but other than that, be honest and don’t buy false reviews. I have gotten DMs saying, “please, you must buy my books so I sell at least 100…”

Lastly and you might have seen this conversation on my FB page, it’s very bad etiquette (Thx FB friends for chiming in) to ask your readers and fans to post reviews for you. I think we should all let our stories rise or fall on their merit. Publicize and promote as much as you can, but do so honestly.

Well that’s all my suggestions. Do you have any social media etiquette to add? Please share your thoughts with us.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Please feel free to friend me on Facebook.
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An Ode to My Husband

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the-kiss-1904Okay, it’s not really a lyrical poem but I love the title. I feel so lucky to have my husband and want to let him know. He is working hard for us so I can write my novels, blogs, edit, and do social media without having to work at the same time. Our dream is to make enough money from our books so we both get to stay home and write to our hearts content.

I miss him when he is gone all day and the weekend is barely enough time to get my fill of him. The other day I said to him, “Every day I feel so exceedingly lucky that you are my best friend and partner in life,” and he said, “I feel exactly the same way about you.” How sweet is that?

We have been together eighteen years now and it just keeps getting better. It certainly hasn’t always been perfect and we’ve had to go through some growing pains together. Any long-term relationship must evolve or it dies, in my not so humble opinion. Fortunately for us, we seem to grow closer and closer together as time passes.

Why do I think my husband is so wonderful besides making it possible for me to be a full-time writer? Well in all honesty he is the best kisser and lover I have ever had. He still finds me sexy and attractive after all this time. He has loved me thinner than I am now and also heavier. There is no other person in the world I’d rather spend my time with and he showers me daily with affection. We kiss and hug goodbye in the morning and snuggle on the couch in the evening. He spoons me to sleep at night and we often share our dreams in the morning with my head on his chest.

Our daughter says we are like teenagers together, still very much in love. Not that long ago, she told us that a friend of ours and mother to her friend asked if we are really as happy as we seem. The mother assumed we acted one way around other people and another behind closed doors. My daughter said, “Nope, they’re always like that. They fight on the rare occasion but what you see is what you get.”

Some people have assumed that I have been through the experiences that I’ve written about in the My Body Trilogy. Sorry to let you down but it’s entirely fiction. Although I didn’t meet my husband until I was twenty-eight years old, I never had a Luke or Marcello in my life. I just have an overgrown, overactive, twisted imagination. 😉 Fortunately my husband loves how my mind works. He is the one who pushed me to try to get published again and is my greatest and most supportive fan.

Love is an important factor in relationship but don’t underestimate “like”. I not only love my husband dearly but I like him so much. He is the coolest person I know other than the kids.

Thank you, love, for being there for me and making our lives so yummy and juicy. I’m the luckiest woman I know.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

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Fuzzy Wassy was a Bear

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So please tell me, am I the only person who has issues with the overuse of the word was? All the books I have read on writing say to use an action verb wherever possible and yet when I read— most novels are a was and were-athon. It really drives me mad when there is more than one was in a sentence or where the active verb is so apparent. For instance: “She was standing in a pool of water as I approached” can simply become, “As I approached, I discovered her standing in a pool of water.”

I have no issues with it in dialogue because that’s how we really speak but in description I often feel it is just plain lazy. I’m the first to admit, there are times where it’s unavoidable, especially in first-person narrative during reflection.

Could it be that the passive voice, which has been touted as being inferior, is a notion out of the past and really doesn’t apply anymore? If so, I say we change the propaganda and move right along. However, if the active voice is really better writing, then shouldn’t we, as writers, focus on writing with action verbs more often?

Stephen King does a lovely little rant about the passive voice and was-ing in his great book on writing called, On Writing, A Memoir of the Craft. He believes that the passive voice is weak storytelling. He gives a few great examples and I’ll share one with you where he referenced The Elements of Style, another must have book for any writer. Stephen writes: “And remember: The writer threw the rope, not The rope was thrown by the writer.” He begs, “Please oh please?” afterwards which I found very humorous.

So why am I even ranting about this? Very glad you asked! I personally feel that the standards of writing are important and raising our craft to the highest level we can is a goal we should all aspire to. I hope my writing gets better each time I write a new novel and that I stay open to learning new things. Being able to tell a great story is only part of the puzzle, the other half is conveying it in such a way that the reader can get lost in it.

Because I know there is always more than one side to any issue, I will share a book that broke all grammatical rules and I highly enjoyed it. My Friend Leonard is a memoir by James Frey who used none of what you normally find when reading a story and somehow it worked. Check it out so you can see what I mean.

Lastly, I want to mention adverbs and how abhorrent most writing books find them. Again, I have heard it called lazy writing, thanks Mr. King and Elmore Leonard. The latter believes that adverbs should generally be avoided and one should never use the word suddenly. I have to disagree because in their proper places, I find them to be lovely additions that emphasize a thought, convey a heightened circumstance or modify a weaker action verb. There, I’ve said it.

Please share with us your thoughts and ideas about best writing practices. I’d love to hear from you.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

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Love Languages

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Gary Chapman wrote a book called The 5 Love Languages. Although I am not an advocate of self-help books in general, I do think this one has important knowledge that can help make relationships better, especially in the case where each spouse or partner has a different love language.

The 5 Love Languages:
1. Words of Affirmation (which I think of as appreciation)
2. Receiving Gifts
3. Acts of Service
4. Quality Time
5. Physical Touch

I don’t believe we fit neatly into one category or at least I know that my husband and I don’t. So here is my list in order of importance.

5ll_icon-affirmationWords of Affirmation would have to be my #1 and my 2 & 3 are pretty equal which are Quality Time and Physical Touch, 4th is Acts of Service and lastly Receiving Gifts. My husband’s #1 is Physical Touch and his 2 & 3 are Words of Affirmation and Quality Time.

So why is any of this important to a relationship? Well I think most of the time people give the love language they want to receive instead of the love language their partner needs. For instance, if physical touch is your love language but your partner’s love language is acts of service, they will feel like they are showing you love every time they make you a cup of coffee but you are left wishing for more hugs, cuddling, and sex.

There is real value in knowing what your partner needs to feel loved. In my case my husband and I have similar needs in this regard so it makes it easier for us to get our needs met but what happens when your love languages are very different? In that case I think there is more effort involved but the knowledge can make a huge difference in the success of any relationship. When love languages differ, it can be the ultimate demise of the relationship if one or both parties don’t feel like they are getting what they need.

I’m left pondering whether a good match is when people have similar love languages. Do you think someone who craves words of affirmations can be satisfied with someone who buys gifts as their love language?

That reminds me of a boyfriend I had early on. He was amazing at buying gifts. He would buy things just because and to surprise me. I didn’t know it then, but that was clearly his love language. My love language was Words of Affirmation and the need for a deep connection. Ultimately we didn’t really match up for the long-term.

I want to add another love language to the list. For me when someone is willing to open themselves up and share their inner most thoughts, that really moves me. I would like to add a #6 and call it Deep Sharing and Vulnerability. Not sure where it would fall on my list, but it would definitely rank high.

Maybe part of the reason for affairs is about finding the right love language elsewhere, when their spouse shows love in another way. I believe we truly need our love language to be happy.

I have a friend whose love language is words of affirmation, but he himself has a hard time sharing words of appreciation with others. I find it interesting that we could need a particular love language that we ourselves don’t know how to speak.

Here is the link to more information about this topic. 5lovelanguages

I truly appreciate that my followers are loving, kind, smart, and wonderful people.  Now I fully expect to hear from all those whose primary love language is Words of Affirmation. 😉

Care to share your love language? I would enjoy hearing from you.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

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How Important is Context and Punctuation?

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VERY!  Moreover, this has become even clearer to me as of late, so I wanted to share with you something that recently happened.  I found the experience rather hysterical (afterwards) and you should have seen the expression on my husband’s face.

Here’s my story:

My writer friend, Leanna Harrow, wrote a very funny post about chocolate and with her permission, I’m sharing it with you:

Me: Mmmmm…I’m going to eat one of those…
Myself: You don’t need one of those…
I: Oh! Can I have one too?
Me: No you can’t! I’m going to eat one! I’m sick of listening to myself, I’m always listening to myself, doing the right thing, being nice, eating the “right” things. ENOUGH! I’m going to treat myself regardless what anyone thinks…I deserve it!
Myself: That’s a selfish and self-serving attitude…what’s with you? You’re not usually like this.
I: She’s getting her period…

Myself: Oh God! Then we should eat the whole box and shut her the hell up.

So I commented under her funny post: LMAO! Let me have one!

When I’m checking my email later, I see a comment from Leanna but there’s no context to it and my husband reads it over my shoulder. It says: Did you not hear how selfish she is Author Blakely Bennett??? She’s a real bitch…and not the Beautiful Intelligent Talented Charming Honest kind! Lol

Without the context of the story and my quote, it seems like a horrible slam against me and yet in the correct context, it’s hysterical.

As for punctuation? Punctuation is as important as context to understanding the meaning. I had a brief stint in an online writers group where there was a lot of talk about editing and punctuation and how the standards, for many of the participants, didn’t matter.  Well they matter to me and here’s a good illustration of why:

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Enough said?  Maybe not. 🙂 lol! Editing is an important function in a great story. Grammar and punctuation are the framework for expressing your narrative in a clear and enjoyable manner. You never want to throw your reader out of the story because of strange context or bad grammar.  At least, I surely don’t.

Thanks to Leanna for allowing me to share her Facebook post (very funny stuff).  As always, everyone loves to read your comments and hear about your experiences. Take a moment and let us hear from you.  What’s the weirdest comma dysfunction you have seen? Make us laugh!

Warm hugs,

Blakely

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The Visualization of a Writer’s Narrative – Two Movie Recommendations

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Disclaimer: If you enjoy the typical movies of Hollywood, you should probably pass on this blog post.  However, if you like new and original stories you haven’t seen before or a unique twist on an old one, then stay tuned.

The first movie that I highly recommend is called The Music Never Stopped. A couple’s son disappears for years and once he is found, they discover he has brain damage that has caused memory loss. They ultimately find that music is a way to reach him. The actors are brilliant; the story totally unique.

I really loved this movie. We are immersed in the family’s past via songs and the son telling of his youthful memories and in this way, his father gets to really know the son he’d never known (and himself) in the process.

I personally find that Hollywood has been regurgitating the same movies, often bad, over and over again. I’m not a fan of superhero movies, war movies, and stupid comedies. Lately there hasn’t been much of anything that has inspired us to go out and see something in the theatre. As a story teller, I really pay attention and get inspired when someone takes me on a journey I’ve never experienced before, a different kind of life that is totally unpredictable.

The second movie, maybe not as original as the first, is called The Scapegoat which has some flavor of the Prince and the Pauper with a real twist. This picture is set in the UK in 1952 where a teacher named John Standing, who just lost his job, runs into his Doppelgänger Johnny Spence who is a failed businessman, in a motel bar. Johnny proceeds to get John drunk and then steals all of his belongings, leaving John with his own and there the drama begins.

Why this particular movie moved me is simple to explain. Most films follow the protagonist and their evolution. However in this film, because the protagonist is now a different person and most of the people in his life don’t know, we get to see how the other characters evolve in reaction to the “changed” man. I love this twist.  In this film we get to experience several character arcs.

For me, the worst criticism I could receive would be that my stories are predictable. Selfishly, when I write, I want to experience something new and different and as I follow my character’s lead, they tend to surprise the hell out of me. Fortunately, my readers feel the same. So when it comes to movies, I want to be surprised and intrigued and to see something new or at least in a new way. The Music Never Stopped and The Scapegoat did that for me and I found them both on Netflix streaming.

Have you seen these movies? I would love to read what you thought of them. Have you seen anything recently that you really enjoyed? Please share with us.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

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Our Own Worst Critics

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Not long ago, my husband and I had a discussion about how I perceive myself and my body in contrast to how he perceives me. During that discussion, I truly wished that I could see myself through his eyes. Even for an hour, if I could see myself the way he sees me, I believe it would change my world forever.

Recently on my Facebook wall, I had the opportunity to read a poem that spoke to that very phenomenon so perfectly for me. Please follow this link to read the poem called Within by Michael Peter Smith aka Mikeywine:  http://mikeywine.wordpress.com/2013/04/17/within/

In addition, my wonderful step-daughter V, posted this incredible video where an artist sketches women based on their verbal description of themselves from behind a curtain and then based on another person’s take of them, someone whom they met just briefly. Call me sappy but the short video made me cry and I hope you’ll check it out as well: http://www.wimp.com/forensicartist/

Let me ask you why, as women, are we our harshest self-critics? I’m sure some men are as well but my general experience with the male gender is that they don’t waste much time wishing they would show up differently or that their bodies looked better. Why don’t we find satisfaction with our own uniqueness?

For myself, my weight fluctuated in my younger days and that had an impact on how I felt about myself on any given day. Fortunately the up and down of 50 lbs. has been reduced down to a 10-15 lbs. yo-yo depending on the season and my internal motivation. I don’t find it odd that we care about how we look since our appearance is what we present to the world, however, I must say, I’m looking forward to the day that my weight matters far less in my own self-evaluation.

In the My Body Trilogy, Jane’s view of herself changes and evolves through her character arc. Her mother often referred to her as Plain Jane in her childhood and that was the image she carried of herself until she met Luke and then Marcello.

As authors, being critiqued is unavoidable, and now anyone with Wifi can fancy themselves an anonymous expert. It’s imperative for our peace of mind that we maintain positive regard for ourselves and our work in the face negative criticism.

I know for me, early rejection as a child definitely affected how I viewed myself but as an adult I’d like to think I have something to say about how I perceive me, my life, and my writing.

At any rate, I plan to adopt my husband’s view, he who adores me and thinks I’m the coolest woman he knows. 🙂  Thanks love.

Are you a harsh self-critic?  Has your opinion of yourself evolved over time?  How do you handle negative reviews of your writing?

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Please feel free to friend me on Facebook by clicking here.
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Find My Body-His (book one) for sale on Amazon here.
Find My Body-His Marcello (book two) on Amazon here.