I consider myself to be self-reflective. I try to look past what I’m doing to why I’m doing it or why I’m reacting. I also like to explore what motivates a particular response or even how I can behave differently.
The hardest part for me is when I continuously hit up against the same stimulus with the same response even though I am working hard to move past it. It’s the most frustrating when I feel like I have grown only to find my emotions stirred up again in the same way as before.
In the past, I have held this belief that I can move past any issue if I’m willing to dig to the core of me. Because of this I sometimes take on more of the responsibility when an issue comes up than may be warranted (according to my husband).
Now I realized that sometimes the best thing, the healthiest thing, is to move away from the stimulus. I don’t mean from a ‘hiding’ standpoint but from acknowledging that the situation isn’t healthy and it’s time to move on. I had previously held the position that moving through the issue was always the best way to go but now I’m not so sure that’s always the right course of action. Reactions aren’t always just the mirror of our past but maybe a way of protecting us in the present.
Anytime I have a reaction that I don’t like, I tend to assume that I need to do something to change the circumstance or myself. Maybe all I need to do is remove myself from the situation. Unfortunately, it’s not always so black and white and easily discernible.
If you’ve read my novels, then you can probably see where Jane gets her introspection. I played with this concept of trying to evolve past the current situation. Sometimes we must, even in the case of family and friends, extract ourselves from the situations that don’t support us and our wellbeing. You will see Jane evolve in this manner throughout the arc of the trilogy.
The best example I can think of to illustrate the challenge happened when I worked in “corporate America.” I had a job and a half to get done in the traditional 40 hour week and as much as I tried and struggled, I couldn’t handle the stress of all the work not getting done that kept getting heaped on my plate. I had to rush from one thing to another never fully feeling satisfied with the outcome. Being away from the situation, I can now easily see that the job was an awful fit for me and the struggles I put myself through were simply me trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Back then though, I truly thought I should be able to change something within myself to make it work.
Fortunately, I now get to chase the dream of a published author (thanks to my wonderful husband) and that is far more satisfying. There are still times I run up against myself and other people’s personalities but at least I’m working for myself now and setting my own schedule.
Life continues to astound and amaze me and I am fascinated to continually learn more about the facets of myself and others.
How do you handle something you would like to change about yourself? Do you spend the time trying to figure out what motivates you?
Thanks for reading and please share your comments.
Warm hugs,
Blakely
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I look at what I would like to change, and wonder what it is I need to let go in order to make that change. I then ask myself whether I’m willing to let it go, and watch the answer change as I ask the question over days, weeks, months. Because I’m aware that I’m choosing whatever I’m refusing to let go, it becomes easier each successive time.
Thank you for your comment! I love your perspective and I can relate.
Blakely
Taking yourself out of a situation may be the best at the time. But of course, that requires you to have decided the relationship is no longer positive, in fact very destructive. I have been reading THE FOUR AGREEMENTS, and it has a lot to say about how we can conduct ourselves. There are many spiritual traditions that speak of the same areas, and in relation to what you have talked about before, I think there is a fifth agreement that the other four are a part of: Love. What do you think?
Hi James,
Thanks so much for the comment. I read that book many years ago now and I thought the very same thing. When you find the right person to spend your life with, as I have been so lucky to do, then love with an open heart.
Blakely
I remember thinking as a kid in high school that it seemed nonsensical to try to justify my existence to everyone — because for every one person that likes me there is someone who thinks I could use a few changes, usually in the direction that they are most comfortable with. So I decided then that the most important people that I could associate with were people that like me and more importantly that I like them. Just really not enough “life time” to spend it hoping that someone will approve of you unconditionally. That’s silly and psychobabble … don’t listen to that, move away from the babble of the month. Hey nobody gets out alive and working your ass of toward perfection is a distraction and a luxury. Find your tribe and enjoy the laughter. Peace love and laughter because in the end that’s all there is.
What I’m hearing, because of my own circumstances, is how to determine when to close the door because it leads nowhere (change career, end a marriage…..). The other part of it is: How to turn the page (accept a betrayal, for instance, and move forward) but not throw away the book (relationship?) – because you will likely find the same challenges elsewhere. I believe you have always co-created a situation, and you have done so for the growth it affords you. And yes, perhaps love (agape?) is at the core of it. We are not here to learn unconditional love, but to experience human love – it’s messy, it hurts.
Thanks for the comment Charlie and I agree with your words. Love can be messy but it also can be incredibly wonderful as well.
Blakely