Tag Archives: Control

BDSM Leads to Better Mental Health?

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bdsm blog postI just finished reading a very interesting article by Emma Gray on Huffington Post called BDSM Correlated With Better Mental Health, Says Study. It’s a fascinating read and there is a video clip as well.

Please let me clarify that they don’t mean that participating in the act of BDSM is what causes better mental health as opposed to their vanilla counterparts. The supposition of the researchers who ran the study is that because BDSM lives outside of the “norm”, it causes people to be more self-reflective which may lead to a happier life. They also believe that because kinky types of sex practices requires much more communication and self-disclosure, that those who participate may have closer, more connected relationships.

As someone who took many psych classes in college including research methods, their bondage purplestudy is a bit thin. However, I tend to agree with the findings anyway. As I have mentioned many times on my blog, communication is the key to a closer relationship and better sex. Willingness to share fantasies that fall outside of the norm requires trust and also a knowing of oneself.

Healthy BDSM relationships use safewords and other forms of communication necessary to safely explore the depths of their desires. There seems to be something very powerful within relationships where one person willingly relinquishes control while the other takes the responsibility for having it.

The most upsetting part of the article for me was the reminder that BDSM and other fetishes fall in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) under paraphilia which means abnormal sexual activity. BDSM is a choice, not a psychological dysfunction!

Why as a society do we need to all be alike? For me, any sexual activity done between consenting adults is none of my business and shouldn’t be anyone else’s.  As I have mentioned before, I do not live the BDSM lifestyle but find it truly fascinating to think about and write into my novels.

As a writer I get to travel to places I dare not go and am looking forward to my next adventure. 😉 Where do your fantasies take you?  Are you with a partner that encourages you to talk about them?  Take a chance this week and risk sharing one of your fantasies with your lover.

Love to read your comments on this post.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

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Who Has the Power in Your Relationship?

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I asked a couple of my girlfriends, “Who has the power in your relationship?” One said that she thought she did sometimes and her husband did other times. However, her husband was sitting on the other side of me and he stated empathically that she has the power, because even if he feels differently about how something should be done, she ends up wearing him down and they do what she wants. I asked my other girlfriend who was sitting with us the same question and she said that her boyfriend learned from his past marriages three things: “Keep Momma happy, keep Momma happy, and keep Momma happy.” So in both of those cases the women have the power in their relationships.

Jane, in My Body-His and My Body-His (Marcello), gives away her power leaving a gross imbalance. She can never really find her equilibrium without having an equal say. I understand there are people who love to relinquish all control because I have chatted with a few but I am speaking to the more common relationship dynamic.

My husband and I have found a way to compromise as we both have strong opinions and personalities. We share the power. We sometimes argue about it but less and less as the years go on.

Girlfriend #2 asked me if I have some judgment over what works best and at the time I said, “We all have our dance to work out.” But after pondering for a while, the truth is I do have some opinions around it. I believe, unless you are married to a completely selfless person, resentment must build when one person continually gives up what they want or how they think something should be handled which can lead to passive-aggressive behavior. I don’t believe a truly healthy relationship exists if one person is always giving in.

Part of really loving another person is valuing how they see life and what they need out of it. If it’s always about what one person wants, that seems pretty selfish to me. Relationships are about compromise and sharing life’s challenges equally.  It’s not a compromise if one person is always having it “their” way. Compromise is midway between two extremes and not about giving in.

Taking a superior position of one’s own opinions is a form of control and a way of getting what you want. I have a hard time imagining that this type of dynamic can beget a close intimate relationship.  For me it shows a lack of respect for the other person.

This all ties back into honesty and the fear of confrontation that I wrote about in “We Kill Our Intimacy with Politeness”. The fear of confrontation that many people have is the very thing that allows others to control them. So while we experience an immediate feeling of “safety” by avoiding confrontation, the long term consequences is the loss of personal integrity and the possibility for a close, intimate connection.

For me, finding a balance of power in all my relationships promotes a fair, respectful, and harmonious existence. Still working on this with some of the people in my life, but learning more every day.

Who has the power in your relationship? How do you negotiate when you have a difference of opinion?

Warm hugs,

Blakely