That would be me. Patience has never been my strong suit. I remember being a kid and how waiting in line was pure torture for me—really—waiting for anything. That is, until I realized I could create a story in my head while I waited. Walking home from school, I would sing a song I made up on the fly or fantasized about my latest fictional adventure.
I guess you could say my impatience lead me to be an author. That and my love of reading. Continue reading
After the book signing last week, I had an epiphany. It sort of runs along the lines of expectations but goes a bit deeper I think. I will do my best to try to elegantly share my thoughts with you.
I believe that all of my stress or strife over life is self-imposed. I’m not referring to tragic world events or when some you really care about is ill. I’m talking about the daily bump-ups against life. I realized that my reactions are solely based on how I think things should be or how I would like them to go against what actually is. I’m not referring to the now popular adage of “Be Here Now” or even “Living in the Moment”. For me, distraction is highly underrated and should be used often. Fantasizing is not being in the moment and it’s how I create and write. What I’m addressing is about getting next to “what is” and in that place I can find the grace. Life is an adventure and we can fight it all along the way or find a way to enjoy the ride.
I realized that I am more go-with-the-flow than I originally gave myself credit for, or maybe I have just recently moved into a different frame of mind.
How does this impact my writing? Glad you asked. 🙂 There were times when I was writing My Body-His where the story went into a completely different direction than I thought it would and I actually panicked a few times telling my husband I needed to scrap and rewrite. I never did and what I think happened is that it offered the story unpredictability because even I didn’t predict it. These days, I follow where my characters take me without the stress because it’s their story after all.
My husband wrote a book many years ago called Evolving Paradigms which spoke of the limiting effects that takes place when you get locked into a particular paradigm and cease to grow. The pertinent part of the book for this blog has to do with the premise that we function during the course of our lives in three ways: as reactors, responders, and initiators. We are born as reactors and during that phase we have no control over how we respond to situations or stimulus. As we grow and mature, we still react, but we can pause long enough to choose how we would like to respond. Ultimately the goal would be to evolve into initiators who are controlled less by their reactions and a need to respond by releasing the struggle that goes with wanting to have control over the uncontrollable.
Luke, in My Body-His and My Body-His (Marcello), must maintain control of his life at all times and Jane, although she does try to please him, is not a natural submissive and is ultimately a force in Luke’s life that he cannot control. Because of Luke’s upbringing, which you find out more about in the second book of the My Body Trilogy, his need for complete obedience becomes his own downfall.
For me however, getting next to “what is” and letting go of how I think it should be or go really frees me to enjoy the rollercoaster of life and sway with the ebb and flow. The humorous part for me is that I can’t change “what is” by sheer will and holding onto the false image of how things should be is just unnecessary conflict I create within my life.
I don’t mean to imply I am cured from getting miffed over life circumstances sometimes, however I think I have found a new ease with the dance.
Love to read your thoughts on this realization of mine and how you cope with life’s twists and turns. Please comment.
Warm hugs,
Blakely
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I want to be clear that for the most part, I don’t have issues with pornography or the 13 billion dollar a year industry. I personally prefer to read sexy stories rather than watch overt copulation, so porn is really not an avenue for my sexual arousal, although in all honesty I have watched videos in the past and more recently, a few for research sake. Most videos do not feel authentic and therefore are a turn off to me (fake moaning is the worst!). Because only 30% of women can reach orgasm from sexual intercourse alone, the industry misrepresents the other 70% of women and yet for the industry that seems to be the main portrayal of sexual fulfillment in pornography. Okay so maybe I do have some issues with it. 😉
I just watched a video in which a clip of a Jeff Probst Show featured Cindy Gallop. She is adamant that we all need to be reeducated, especially those who are younger and who avidly watch porn. 99.9% of porn, according to Cindy, is produced by men for men and gives a skewed view of sexual intimacy where the ultimate goal is male satisfaction, which is not beneficial to women. On her website, www.makelovenotporn.com she addresses the more realistic needs of women and what fulfilling sex really looks like.
Cindy states that because there is no counter point in our society to talk openly about sex, people believe the artificial entertainment of porn is the real deal.
I have a few male friends who have mentioned that they think their porn watching might leave them less inclined to have sex with their partners. If porn is interfering with real contact and connection then it has become a problem in my opinion.
Some people have referred to My Body-His as being pornography and I’m not sure it qualifies. When I looked up the definitions of erotica and porn, they have the same one. I would argue though that the definition, “Creative activity (writing or pictures or films etc.) of no literary or artistic value other than to stimulate sexual desire,” does not fit. My novels do more than stimulate sexual desire so maybe we need a whole new term for it. That’s my opinion anyway and I’m sticking to it. 🙂
Personally, I believe there are many expression of sexuality and I’m not here to judge other people’s choices. It would be nice, however, if men could represent a more real world perspective of sex and women would step to the plate and create something that would resonate more with women and reality.
I would love to hear your views on this topic. Please share with us.
Warm hugs,
Blakely
My husband and I were joking around that we should open a place called the Orgasium; combining the words gymnasium and orgasm. It would be a place where people could learn to have and give intense long lasting orgasms. Not sure our culture is ready for that, yet. I still hold out hope.
What is an orgasm really? For me it’s the culmination of an intense energy explosion that shoots all these fantastic biochemicals through my system giving me the best high imaginable without any long lasting side effects except the desire to do it again! According to Wikipedia, an orgasm is the peak of the plateau phase of the sexual response cycle, characterized by an intense sensation of pleasure. Yeah, that’s what I meant. 😉
I find the release one of the hardest things to describe and as my publisher/editor so kindly pointed out and I can’t use, “waves of pleasure”, over and over. 🙂
Did you know that the clit is the only organ whose sole purpose is sexual pleasure? I have often wondered why it’s situated above the vaginal opening as it seems to be a flawed design. If the clitoris was located just inside the vagina…wow! I also wonder why such a small percentage of women can have orgasms solely through intercourse and yet in movies and books (even mine in some places) that’s all it takes to get a woman to cum leaving women feeling somehow inferior because they can’t orgasm that way.
I think it’s vitally important that a person know how to make themselves cum. I was shocked to find out my college roommate had never ever masturbated. How can you show your partner what makes you feel good enough to cum if you yourself do not know?
I don’t think the orgasm is the most important part of sex, just the best part! I think the best way to get the orgasms you really desire is to be connected, along with open and honest communication and self-exploration with your partner.
What do you think?
I talked with a friend the other day and we had a conversation about fantasies. Not specific ones but fantasizing in general terms, which got me thinking about how writing is very much a fantasy process. Every writer uses his or her imagination and empathy to craft the story.
I wondered if men and women fantasize differently. My friend always fantasizes about someone he knows in scenarios that he would like to happen. Another thing that men tell me is common is to relive a scenario that actually took place.
For me my fantasies are darker and I wouldn’t want them to happen in real life. They rarely star someone I know or have seen. So I was left wondering if the difference was simply the difference between the sexes but after speaking with a few women it seemed that they themselves were varied in style. One said that the men in her imagination rarely have a face and that it was more about the scenario. I can relate to that. Another said that it depended on her mood. Sometimes it’s about someone she knows and other times not.
I did some research and consistently it is said that men are more visual and therefore focus far more on the anatomy of their desire where women focus more on emotion and affection. Neither really describes me. Evidently rape and forced sex is common for women because on a list of top ten fantasies for women it ranked number one.
It may come down to desire because a man driven to rape, in fantasyland anyway, is so overcome by lust, he can’t help himself.
I read an interesting article called Rape, Fantasies, and Female arousal by William Saletan. He addresses research done measuring a woman’s intellectual response as opposed to her vaginal blood flow. According to the article, men’s minds and genitals are in agreement when it comes to sexuality and fantasy but for women it is different. They are speculating that arousal in women can be stimulated by the need for protection which is a biological response to avoid vaginal damage. They called it, “reflective sexual readiness” which is very different from desire. However they believe it is wired into our arousal system to keep us safe from abuse.
In my writings, I’m very fascinated by the body/mind conflict in sexuality. Maybe my character, Jane, experiences reflective sexual readiness. If that is the case, she doesn’t know it.
