I’ve written a blog about kissing in the past and once again I feel inspired by the topic. A guy friend recently asked me if I thought kissing was a behavior that a person could learn to do better. I don’t exactly believe the old adage that practice makes perfect but I definitely believe that the more you do something, the better you get. Continue reading
I recently watched two documentaries that I think are worth discussing. The first was called The Unhung Hero, about a man who after publicly proposing to his girlfriend at a large sporting event suffered a brutal turndown and found out later the main reason for her declining had to do with the size of his penis (too small). The second story called Aroused was a video/photo shoot by the fine art photographer Deborah Anderson who featured sixteen of the world’s most successful female adult film stars. Continue reading
An online friend and I recently had a somewhat heated debate about paying for reviews. He told me about a website, where he had signed up, that has a requirement to provide gift cards in exchange for potential reviews. I said something like, “I’m unwilling to pay money to get reviews.” For him, since it wasn’t a direct exchange, money for a review, it was completely fine.
We all get to decide, thankfully, where our personal line of ethics lies.
I have been asked by other authors to “post a review” in exchange for a review of my book. I wouldn’t even have to read the novel and they would tell me what to write. Of course I declined. Is it wrong that I want to sink or swim on my own merit?
There are people on FB that offer reviews for a fee. I’m completely against this. My debate partner tried to equate giving my book away for free with paying for a review. I completely and vehemently disagreed. Yes, we can place a value on an eBook (although it costs me nothing to provide one) or even a paperback but I don’t feel like I’m BUYING a review by providing a reviewer with a free copy.
You can find plenty of websites where you can pay a rather steep fee to get to be reviewed on their site. To me a book is either good or not and there are so many different free sites to get your book noticed that I don’t want to pay my hard earned money to support an industry that exploits its writers.
I became rather irritated during the debate and I realized why it happened after the fact. I’m perfectly okay with having a difference of opinion with people and many people who read this post will probably think there is nothing wrong with paying money to get your book promoted any way they can. It’s a business, right? However, when someone argues with me as if their position is the only one that makes sense; I want to slap the imagined smirk off their face. Not truly, since I’m the non-violent creative type, but I think I’ve illustrated my point.
Where do you fall along the divide? Please share your thoughts with us.
Warm hugs to all my readers and a special hug to my debate partner,
Blakely
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![reality-check[1]](http://blakelybennett.fannypress.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/reality-check1.jpg)
I’ve skirted around this topic before, talking about people’s differing perceptions of the same situation. Do we ever really perceive reality as it actually is? Without filtering it, altering it through our filters of life experience? I really do not think so.
My husband and I watch Through the Worm Hole with Morgan Freeman and they had an amazing episode on reality. The part I remember had to do with the sounds “fa” and “ba”. Say fa and ba and see how differently they sit in your mouth. So, if you watch a video of someone saying the ba sound but is actually mouthing fa, you will actually hear fa. However if you close your eyes and don’t watch the mouth moving, you hear the actual ba sound. What does that all mean? Well to me it means that our brain filters information beyond just what is present.
My husband and I are on the opposite spectrum when it comes to storytelling. For me, accuracy (as accurate as I can be given my perception of reality) is most important. However, for my husband, who comes from a family of storytellers, the enjoyment of the story in humor or intensity is most important. So facts and details sometimes get over inflated or understated if it suits the story better.
I keep that in mind when I listen to people relating details to me. First off, I remind myself that there are many sides to an issue. When people talk in extremes and absolutes like, always, never, every day, for hours on end, etc., that’s a sign to me that they are inflating the details of the events.
I think reality TV is much like reality and if you are scoffing, please give me a moment to explain. In reality TV they reshoot scenes to make them better, just like we replay scenes in our head (which can actually alter our thinking of a situation when we are emotionally charged and reviewing events). Throw in other people who are equally emotionally charged and lots of drama and rewriting of history can ensue.
The best personal example happened to me in my early twenties. In a dorm I lived in where you had to sign up to use the laundry facilities. One day, during my time-slot, another woman was doing her laundry and seemed rather angry. I had never met her before. We had a very brief interaction where, at least to me, she seemed pissed off with me.
As a few weeks past, every time we crossed paths she seemed to be glaring in my direction. One day, after I couldn’t take it anymore, I drummed up the courage to ask her why she was angry at me. Turns out, she didn’t even remember who I was. All the rest of the drama, I created for myself. It was definitely one of the most eye opening experiences that really changed my outlook on life, perception and reality.
As a writer, I have to remember that it’s incumbent upon me to create a believable “reality” that readers can buy into. My characters are usually a great guide in letting me know what the “reality” of the situation really is. I tend to trust my muse but still do research when necessary.
So do we every truly know the true nature of reality? I don’t think so because we can’t help but filter it through our own life experiences.
Thanks for taking the time to read and please share your thoughts on the matter.
Warm hugs,
Blakely
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While my husband and I were at a dance recently, I had an epiphany. It’s not surprising that the thought came to me while dancing because I find incredible freedom in moving to music where my mind can get totally lost in the sway to the song (Thank you, Justin Timberlake for Suit and Tie). Totally connected to my body and the grooving beat, this is what popped in: I should be proud of my accomplishments and worry less about the destination.
I have two books published with the third of the My Body Trilogy coming out July 15th. My social media followers and friends are growing faster and faster each day. I’m balancing lots of work with plenty of time off and am content with my life.
For the first time ever, I find myself driven and focused and there is good reason for it. I’m chasing my dream job as an author and hoping to be a huge success. I want financial freedom for my husband and me so he too can focus on writing full-time.
The continuous drive is all well and good but I need to stop and smell the proverbial roses. I need to integrate and honor the small successes along the way and not solely focus on the end goal.
It’s hard at times because people are frequently asking me about my book sales and how it’s going. Is it appropriate to say, “Not as well as I’d hoped but it’s still early,” or “None of your fucking business?” Joking about the last comment but many people say things like, “Are you famous yet?” and “You must be rich.”
Unless you are E. L. James and a fluke (a rather good fluke), becoming a successful author is a process, and like any business, it takes time. I signed a contract with my publisher one year ago. My Body-His came out in November 2012, and My Body-His (Marcello) was released in March 2013. I have been told (not sure if there is any truth to it) that my books have a better chance of success once all novels of the trilogy are out. Fingers crossed!
So as I continued to gyrate to the beat of the song, I acknowledge that we, those who chase the dream, are few and far between and I should be proud to be among my fellow authors and artist making a go of it.
I’m sure I’ll have to remind myself that although the goal is important in keeping me motivated, the successes along the way need to be celebrated.
Like just now, I am holding My Body-Mine in my hands for the first time and I’m just in love with the cover. It’s thicker than book one and two because it’s longer and I can’t wait for my readers and fans to read the finale of the trilogy. I have done it. I not only have written one book but three and they will all soon be out in circulation.
I also excited to have the My Body Trilogy Blog Tour set for the end of July and you can join in the festivities and help me celebrate my successes.
Thanks again for taking the time to read my musing and as always, I love to read your comments.
Warm hugs,
Blakely
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I consider myself to be self-reflective. I try to look past what I’m doing to why I’m doing it or why I’m reacting. I also like to explore what motivates a particular response or even how I can behave differently.
The hardest part for me is when I continuously hit up against the same stimulus with the same response even though I am working hard to move past it. It’s the most frustrating when I feel like I have grown only to find my emotions stirred up again in the same way as before.
In the past, I have held this belief that I can move past any issue if I’m willing to dig to the core of me. Because of this I sometimes take on more of the responsibility when an issue comes up than may be warranted (according to my husband).
Now I realized that sometimes the best thing, the healthiest thing, is to move away from the stimulus. I don’t mean from a ‘hiding’ standpoint but from acknowledging that the situation isn’t healthy and it’s time to move on. I had previously held the position that moving through the issue was always the best way to go but now I’m not so sure that’s always the right course of action. Reactions aren’t always just the mirror of our past but maybe a way of protecting us in the present.
Anytime I have a reaction that I don’t like, I tend to assume that I need to do something to change the circumstance or myself. Maybe all I need to do is remove myself from the situation. Unfortunately, it’s not always so black and white and easily discernible.
If you’ve read my novels, then you can probably see where Jane gets her introspection. I played with this concept of trying to evolve past the current situation. Sometimes we must, even in the case of family and friends, extract ourselves from the situations that don’t support us and our wellbeing. You will see Jane evolve in this manner throughout the arc of the trilogy.
The best example I can think of to illustrate the challenge happened when I worked in “corporate America.” I had a job and a half to get done in the traditional 40 hour week and as much as I tried and struggled, I couldn’t handle the stress of all the work not getting done that kept getting heaped on my plate. I had to rush from one thing to another never fully feeling satisfied with the outcome. Being away from the situation, I can now easily see that the job was an awful fit for me and the struggles I put myself through were simply me trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Back then though, I truly thought I should be able to change something within myself to make it work.
Fortunately, I now get to chase the dream of a published author (thanks to my wonderful husband) and that is far more satisfying. There are still times I run up against myself and other people’s personalities but at least I’m working for myself now and setting my own schedule.
Life continues to astound and amaze me and I am fascinated to continually learn more about the facets of myself and others.
How do you handle something you would like to change about yourself? Do you spend the time trying to figure out what motivates you?
Thanks for reading and please share your comments.
Warm hugs,
Blakely
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Not long ago, my husband and I had a discussion about how I perceive myself and my body in contrast to how he perceives me. During that discussion, I truly wished that I could see myself through his eyes. Even for an hour, if I could see myself the way he sees me, I believe it would change my world forever.
Recently on my Facebook wall, I had the opportunity to read a poem that spoke to that very phenomenon so perfectly for me. Please follow this link to read the poem called Within by Michael Peter Smith aka Mikeywine: http://mikeywine.wordpress.com/2013/04/17/within/
In addition, my wonderful step-daughter V, posted this incredible video where an artist sketches women based on their verbal description of themselves from behind a curtain and then based on another person’s take of them, someone whom they met just briefly. Call me sappy but the short video made me cry and I hope you’ll check it out as well: http://www.wimp.com/forensicartist/
Let me ask you why, as women, are we our harshest self-critics? I’m sure some men are as well but my general experience with the male gender is that they don’t waste much time wishing they would show up differently or that their bodies looked better. Why don’t we find satisfaction with our own uniqueness?
For myself, my weight fluctuated in my younger days and that had an impact on how I felt about myself on any given day. Fortunately the up and down of 50 lbs. has been reduced down to a 10-15 lbs. yo-yo depending on the season and my internal motivation. I don’t find it odd that we care about how we look since our appearance is what we present to the world, however, I must say, I’m looking forward to the day that my weight matters far less in my own self-evaluation.
In the My Body Trilogy, Jane’s view of herself changes and evolves through her character arc. Her mother often referred to her as Plain Jane in her childhood and that was the image she carried of herself until she met Luke and then Marcello.
As authors, being critiqued is unavoidable, and now anyone with Wifi can fancy themselves an anonymous expert. It’s imperative for our peace of mind that we maintain positive regard for ourselves and our work in the face negative criticism.
I know for me, early rejection as a child definitely affected how I viewed myself but as an adult I’d like to think I have something to say about how I perceive me, my life, and my writing.
At any rate, I plan to adopt my husband’s view, he who adores me and thinks I’m the coolest woman he knows. 🙂 Thanks love.
Are you a harsh self-critic? Has your opinion of yourself evolved over time? How do you handle negative reviews of your writing?
Warm hugs,
Blakely
Please feel free to friend me on Facebook by clicking here.
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Find My Body-His (book one) for sale on Amazon here.
Find My Body-His Marcello (book two) on Amazon here.
After the book signing last week, I had an epiphany. It sort of runs along the lines of expectations but goes a bit deeper I think. I will do my best to try to elegantly share my thoughts with you.
I believe that all of my stress or strife over life is self-imposed. I’m not referring to tragic world events or when some you really care about is ill. I’m talking about the daily bump-ups against life. I realized that my reactions are solely based on how I think things should be or how I would like them to go against what actually is. I’m not referring to the now popular adage of “Be Here Now” or even “Living in the Moment”. For me, distraction is highly underrated and should be used often. Fantasizing is not being in the moment and it’s how I create and write. What I’m addressing is about getting next to “what is” and in that place I can find the grace. Life is an adventure and we can fight it all along the way or find a way to enjoy the ride.
I realized that I am more go-with-the-flow than I originally gave myself credit for, or maybe I have just recently moved into a different frame of mind.
How does this impact my writing? Glad you asked. 🙂 There were times when I was writing My Body-His where the story went into a completely different direction than I thought it would and I actually panicked a few times telling my husband I needed to scrap and rewrite. I never did and what I think happened is that it offered the story unpredictability because even I didn’t predict it. These days, I follow where my characters take me without the stress because it’s their story after all.
My husband wrote a book many years ago called Evolving Paradigms which spoke of the limiting effects that takes place when you get locked into a particular paradigm and cease to grow. The pertinent part of the book for this blog has to do with the premise that we function during the course of our lives in three ways: as reactors, responders, and initiators. We are born as reactors and during that phase we have no control over how we respond to situations or stimulus. As we grow and mature, we still react, but we can pause long enough to choose how we would like to respond. Ultimately the goal would be to evolve into initiators who are controlled less by their reactions and a need to respond by releasing the struggle that goes with wanting to have control over the uncontrollable.
Luke, in My Body-His and My Body-His (Marcello), must maintain control of his life at all times and Jane, although she does try to please him, is not a natural submissive and is ultimately a force in Luke’s life that he cannot control. Because of Luke’s upbringing, which you find out more about in the second book of the My Body Trilogy, his need for complete obedience becomes his own downfall.
For me however, getting next to “what is” and letting go of how I think it should be or go really frees me to enjoy the rollercoaster of life and sway with the ebb and flow. The humorous part for me is that I can’t change “what is” by sheer will and holding onto the false image of how things should be is just unnecessary conflict I create within my life.
I don’t mean to imply I am cured from getting miffed over life circumstances sometimes, however I think I have found a new ease with the dance.
Love to read your thoughts on this realization of mine and how you cope with life’s twists and turns. Please comment.
Warm hugs,
Blakely
Please feel free to friend me on Facebook by clicking here.
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Find My Body-His (book one) for sale on Amazon here.
Find My Body-His Marcello (book two) for pre-sale on Amazon here.
In my first blog on expectations I wrote about positive and negative filters but didn’t address being invested in a particular outcome. I remember a great example of a time when my expectations were sorely tested. One Saturday morning, the only day that week we had to sleep in, we were lying in bed beginning to get amorous but still not quite part of the waking world when the phone rang at 9:00 AM…rude on a Saturday in my not so humble opinion.
This was back when I was doing bookkeeping and there was a meeting set for the morning. I had previously provided them with the reports they had requested but the man on the phone wanted more. So I booted up my computer and shot over more reports. Then, before I could steal back to bed, another call came in asking me financial questions that my brain was not up to speed to answer. Keep in mind this meeting was formed and called at the last minute on a Saturday morning which I was NOT required to attend. Turns out the financial question was a simple one that had I been asked later in the day would have been blatantly apparent but instead, an hour passed until it was resolved. Anger had done its job by that point in waking me up completely.
So what does all of that have to do with expectations? By the time the impromptu phone conference finished, neither my husband nor I were in the head space to head back to bed. Our expectations for our Saturday morning were shot and really affected our mood.
My idealized self is a go-with-the-flow kind of woman but the truth of me is that a very aggravating meeting first thing in the morning messed with my mojo. I’m happy to say we were able to shake it off by that evening and had a wonderful Sunday together but it certainly made me think about how attached I am to my expectations.
To me it felt especially harsh given that Saturdays are MY time with my husband and I hate when other people’s piss poor planning effects my day. The hardest part was being aware of how much it impacted both my husband and me. It did, however, stimulate another blog for me to write so it wasn’t all bad. 😉
I do tend to be flexible about change especially when it’s not interfering with my free time. My husband and daughter have a harder time adjusting to unexpected change and it’s a good thing to know about a person. It makes it easier to understand why someone gets upset when things go in an unexpected direction.
I know I could have chosen not to answer the phone that morning and if I had to do it all over again I probably would have let the call go to voice mail. Next time I will.
I must add the caveat that for people like me, who like surprises, the unexpected can sometimes be very welcomed. Just don’t get me out of bed early when I have other things on my mind!
How do you handle unexpected changes when you have expectations of how something will go? Is it easy for you to let it roll off your back or do you have a hard time adjusting? Please share your comments and stories.
Warm hugs,
Blakely
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Find My Body-His Marcello for pre-sale on Amazon here.
Love has been on my mind a lot lately while working on My Body-Mine, the third book in the My Body Trilogy but also from a real life perspective. In the last two weeks, I have found myself in three different conversations regarding love that I did not initiate. It’s really interesting to hear other people’s perspectives of what love is for them and how it works.
For me, love is an action.
Behavior is more trustworthy than words and words mean nothing when the behavior doesn’t match the affirmation, “I love you!”. I’m sure everyone has heard of or seen a situation where a couple is supposed to be “in love” but one member of the couple is very abusive to the other like with Luke and Jane in My Body-His. To me, words are easy to throw around but it’s what you do that really shows whether or not you love someone.
So, my first conversation was with an old friend from childhood and he stated rather empathically that love is fleeting. I quickly countered that from my experience that is not the case. My husband and I have been together almost 18 years now and for us, our love has grown and evolved over the years. Even when we experienced growing pains, individually or collectively, we have always ended up better and closer on the other side of it. It would be silly for me to dismiss his assumption out of hand because many love relationships are fleeting in our culture. I just know that love doesn’t have to be an ever waning experience. A few of our close friends also have wonderful love relationships, longer than ours, that are totally inspirational. So from our experience, love is alive and well and something that can keep blossoming.
The second conversation had to do with loving and liking someone. My contention is that you can love someone and not like them much at all. A relatively new friend of mine was adamant that if you love someone, you have to like them too. There have been times with my parents, my husband and even with my daughter where I didn’t particularly like them in a given moment or longer but I always loved them. For me you can feel both or either at a given time.
In the third conversation, at a get together this past weekend, one man ask another to share his definition of love. He said that the best definition of love he had heard was that love is an emotion that focuses on the good parts of someone while having blinders to the bad stuff. That was the general gist anyway. I would argue that real love sees all the parts of the person and loves them despite their flaws or even because of them. I shared with them that to me love is a verb, the behaviors that show how you feel about another. Does Luke love Jane? Does he even like her? I would have to say that based on his behavior he has no clue what loving someone really looks like.
So what are the behaviors of love? I’m sitting here and wondering if this is a universal answer or just a Blakely answer. I hope you, my readers, will chime in on this one. For me love is about time, attention, support, and having a positive regard for your partner. Whether it’s a touch on the shoulder in passing, a kiss just before you leave for work, cleaning up the kitchen even though it’s “their” job that night, spooning in bed, making love, working on yourself to be a better partner or parent, offering support when needed…the list really is endless. Those are the actions of love and the real definition to me.
Another facet of romantic love for me is the want to satisfy my partner. I understand that relationships are complicated and that not everyone prioritizes intimacy like we do but I also don’t understand how you can love someone and not care at all if they are satisfied sexually. Many people I know have stopped having sex with their partners or have far less sex than they would like. Just last night we watched the movie called Hope Springs and in that film the couple hadn’t had sex in four years. That is unfathomable to me because making love is the very best part of being in love!
The people I love in my life, friends and family, are people I invest my time and energy in. Love is definitely more than a feeling for me.
Do you see love as an action or an emotion? What do you do to show your love to another?
Warm hugs,
Blakely
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