Tag Archives: Perspective

BDSM

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It has been interesting to read the reviews from people within the BDSM lifestyle.  I regret not placing an author’s note at the beginning of My Body-His explaining that this novel is not about a healthy Dom/sub relationship but quite to the contrary.  I never set out to depict a story with a healthy power dynamic. Jane’s journey is a dark one with ultimate self-recovery in the end.

I have no issues at all with the lifestyle and my novel was never meant to be a negative commentary of BDSM.

For me there are healthy and unhealthy relationships in any given dynamic and I assumed, falsely I’m now gathering, that people would see Jane’s and Luke’s relationship for what it is.  Sometimes two people come together and it’s a toxic mix. I see BDSM as the backdrop in their dysfunctional dance.

Relationships have been the subject matter of novels for forever and typically if you pick up a romance novel you are expecting it to be a good coupling or at least a good resolution and coming together in the end.  In erotic suspense, which is the genre of My Body-His, there definitely should not be the same expectations.

I do wonder if people assume because the book is erotica that also means romance.  There is a huge difference between erotic suspense and erotic romance.

From reading the reviews and talking to friends I now know that Luke and Jane’s relationship is a TPE (total power exchange). That notion seems to piss off the BDSM reviewers the most because Jane doesn’t seem to really want it. I would argue that she does choose it regardless of the conflict she feels over it.

I must add that I’m loving that people are having passionate responses to My Body-His and I know My Body-His (Marcello) will equally push the edge of your emotions, rooting Jane on to take her life back.

I welcome your comments on this topic.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

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Reviews

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It has been interesting for me to read the reviews of My Body-His. The last two reviewers really hated Luke, the main male character. I imagined people would feel more like Bookie Nookie who wrote, “Honestly, Luke is one of those heroes you love to hate and I can’t really decide at the moment if I want him or want to kill him.”

I don’t quite understand the abject hatred of Luke. I see him as a flawed, damaged character and Jane can choose to leave at any time. Of course, I know more of the back story than the rest of the readers that comes to light in My Body-His (Marcello) the second book of the My Body trilogy. I didn’t intend for people to hate him, however I did hope people would feel Jane’s plight and it is clear to me that is happening.

I honestly see more of a love to hate him scenario than a hate to hate him. It will be interesting to hear the views of the men who read the novel (all the reviewers have been female so far). I wonder if men will feel the same way about Luke.

One reviewer didn’t care for Jane either and another said she thought Jane was addicted to the orgasms Luke doled out. I don’t see Jane as addicted to the sex which Luke uses to keep her engaged. She is addicted to his love and approval which he dishes out and then takes away again. That is the addiction for Jane.

Of course the wonderful thing about reading a book is that you get to decide what it all means to you and with that, I will let you all decide for yourself.

Now that the book is out, I would love to know what you think.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Who Has the Power in Your Relationship?

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I asked a couple of my girlfriends, “Who has the power in your relationship?” One said that she thought she did sometimes and her husband did other times. However, her husband was sitting on the other side of me and he stated empathically that she has the power, because even if he feels differently about how something should be done, she ends up wearing him down and they do what she wants. I asked my other girlfriend who was sitting with us the same question and she said that her boyfriend learned from his past marriages three things: “Keep Momma happy, keep Momma happy, and keep Momma happy.” So in both of those cases the women have the power in their relationships.

Jane, in My Body-His and My Body-His (Marcello), gives away her power leaving a gross imbalance. She can never really find her equilibrium without having an equal say. I understand there are people who love to relinquish all control because I have chatted with a few but I am speaking to the more common relationship dynamic.

My husband and I have found a way to compromise as we both have strong opinions and personalities. We share the power. We sometimes argue about it but less and less as the years go on.

Girlfriend #2 asked me if I have some judgment over what works best and at the time I said, “We all have our dance to work out.” But after pondering for a while, the truth is I do have some opinions around it. I believe, unless you are married to a completely selfless person, resentment must build when one person continually gives up what they want or how they think something should be handled which can lead to passive-aggressive behavior. I don’t believe a truly healthy relationship exists if one person is always giving in.

Part of really loving another person is valuing how they see life and what they need out of it. If it’s always about what one person wants, that seems pretty selfish to me. Relationships are about compromise and sharing life’s challenges equally.  It’s not a compromise if one person is always having it “their” way. Compromise is midway between two extremes and not about giving in.

Taking a superior position of one’s own opinions is a form of control and a way of getting what you want. I have a hard time imagining that this type of dynamic can beget a close intimate relationship.  For me it shows a lack of respect for the other person.

This all ties back into honesty and the fear of confrontation that I wrote about in “We Kill Our Intimacy with Politeness”. The fear of confrontation that many people have is the very thing that allows others to control them. So while we experience an immediate feeling of “safety” by avoiding confrontation, the long term consequences is the loss of personal integrity and the possibility for a close, intimate connection.

For me, finding a balance of power in all my relationships promotes a fair, respectful, and harmonious existence. Still working on this with some of the people in my life, but learning more every day.

Who has the power in your relationship? How do you negotiate when you have a difference of opinion?

Warm hugs,

Blakely

First Review of My Body-His

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I’m so excited and wanted to share this with you all. http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/430419917

Let me know what you think.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

www.amazon.com/author/blakelybennett
http://www.amazon.com/My-Body-His-Blakely-Bennett/dp/1603815236/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349791682&sr=8-1&keywords=My+Body-His
http://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Body-His-series/359307324147300

 

The Love Debate

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A while back my husband and I debated whether love is something that never dies or something you can fall in and out of. There are people who I have loved but no longer love. It’s my husband’s contention that I was never in love with them in the first place.

I have a less ethereal view of love. I believe love takes time and attention. If love is not nurtured over a long period of time it will wane or change. I also believe love can die or be cut out of you with painful, hurtful, or neglectful behaviors.

My husband asked me how I can be committed to anyone if I believe love can die. One, I don’t see love and commitment as the same thing and two, love that is nurtured stays alive and strong. My relationship with my husband is living proof of that.

I have heard it said, over and over, “I still love her…I’m just not ‘in love’ with her anymore.” I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean. You still care about them but you have no desire to be intimate emotionally or physically?

I think many people confuse love with New Relationship Energy (NRE), lust, and/or limerence. They each inspire all those wonderful biochemicals we get to experience in the beginning of a relationship or romance.

I don’t believe in love at first sight. To me love grows over time. However, I do believe strongly in lust at first sight. Although both Jane and Luke in My Body-His would say that they fell in love at first sight, I would have to argue that chemistry and lust consumed them both to such an extent that it felt like love to them.

I have not loved any other man in the way I love my husband. I have grown and changed over our years together as has my capacity to love. I do believe that if we stopped nurturing our connection that our love would eventually fade away or transform into a different kind of love.  In the same way I believe love evolves over time, I believe love devolves without the necessary attention.

Where do you fall in this debate? Do you believe that love is everlasting? Or do you believe love has the capacity to last a lifetime but can also die out?

Please share your comments.

Warm hugs,

Blakely Bennett
www.amazon.com/author/blakelybennett
http://www.amazon.com/My-Body-His-Blakely-Bennett/dp/1603815236/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349791682&sr=8-1&keywords=My+Body-His
http://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Body-His-series/359307324147300

Perspective and Perception

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When crafting characters, their different perspectives and perceptions help drive the conflict and define their uniqueness.  I have spent a lot of time musing around the idea that perspective is like a sphere which can be experienced from an infinite number of possible perceptions. Where you are positioned on the sphere, metaphorically speaking, has to do with your genetics, experiences and upbringing (family, culture, religion, etc.)  All of those varying facets add depth to a character.

Perception or seeing something from a perspective unique to your point of view on the sphere always presents the opportunity for a diametrically opposed view point from the other side of the sphere. Is it possible to find common ground with someone whose idea of the situation is opposite? I’m not sure and this is something with which Jane in My Body-His struggles. In real life does it work best if they are at least in your quadrant on the sphere? Or at least on your side of things?

Why the heck does it matter that we have similar perspectives? My experience and therefore perspective is that to navigate well through life with someone, a lover or a friend, you have to have some similar perspectives and perceptions. I’m not saying they have to be really closely matched but they have to be close enough that I can stretch my perspective enough to see your point of view and vice versa.

I used to talk to this guy online whose wife felt that she had a better childhood and therefore had better ideas and ways to navigate life. So every time they came to a crossroads of having a different perception (according to him), she would make life miserable until she got her way. Clearly they are headed for a divorce if nothing changes but I think a huge part of their conflict is centered on the fact that they perceive life so differently.  Their life might make an interesting story.  At least it makes for a lot of drama.

I have always found it interesting to speak to people who have different perspectives as it can open the door to new ideas and different ways of thinking. I’ve come to the conclusion however that there needs to be some overlapping of how we see the world to make a deep and secure connection.

I would very much like to hear from my readers what they think about the necessity of a shared perspective.