Tag Archives: self-exploration

BDSM Leads to Better Mental Health?

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bdsm blog postI just finished reading a very interesting article by Emma Gray on Huffington Post called BDSM Correlated With Better Mental Health, Says Study. It’s a fascinating read and there is a video clip as well.

Please let me clarify that they don’t mean that participating in the act of BDSM is what causes better mental health as opposed to their vanilla counterparts. The supposition of the researchers who ran the study is that because BDSM lives outside of the “norm”, it causes people to be more self-reflective which may lead to a happier life. They also believe that because kinky types of sex practices requires much more communication and self-disclosure, that those who participate may have closer, more connected relationships.

As someone who took many psych classes in college including research methods, their bondage purplestudy is a bit thin. However, I tend to agree with the findings anyway. As I have mentioned many times on my blog, communication is the key to a closer relationship and better sex. Willingness to share fantasies that fall outside of the norm requires trust and also a knowing of oneself.

Healthy BDSM relationships use safewords and other forms of communication necessary to safely explore the depths of their desires. There seems to be something very powerful within relationships where one person willingly relinquishes control while the other takes the responsibility for having it.

The most upsetting part of the article for me was the reminder that BDSM and other fetishes fall in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) under paraphilia which means abnormal sexual activity. BDSM is a choice, not a psychological dysfunction!

Why as a society do we need to all be alike? For me, any sexual activity done between consenting adults is none of my business and shouldn’t be anyone else’s.  As I have mentioned before, I do not live the BDSM lifestyle but find it truly fascinating to think about and write into my novels.

As a writer I get to travel to places I dare not go and am looking forward to my next adventure. 😉 Where do your fantasies take you?  Are you with a partner that encourages you to talk about them?  Take a chance this week and risk sharing one of your fantasies with your lover.

Love to read your comments on this post.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

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Mourning the end of the My Body Trilogy

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Sad-Love-Quotes-Desktop-WallpaperToday is the official release day of My Body-Mine, the last book of the My Body-Trilogy. I have completed novels and projects before, but this is the first time I have experienced a kind of sadness at the end. I’m pretty sure that the feeling stems from saying goodbye to Jane, my protagonist but maybe a little bit for Marcello as well.

I didn’t quite understand the phenomenon until I heard an interview with Daniel Day-Lewis. He spoke of his portrayal of Abraham Lincoln and how he missed seeing the world through his eyes.

I have been viewing the world through Jane’s eyes for a good bit of time now, three novels worth, and I will miss her, am missing her.

Some readers struggled with the fact that Jane stayed so long with Luke and yelled in their heads that she should get out, should run in the opposite direction, but Jane, like many women, chose to stay in a sometimes abusive relationship with the hopes that she would eventually get the love she truly needed. I love the story she set before me of struggle, self-reflection, perseverance and ultimate empowerment. Many of my readers have identified with her story and will be cheering her on in the end.

Some of my fans are hoping I write more of her journey in the future, however, Jane and I have parted company because I feel her story is complete, hence the mourning. On the bright side, if the trilogy does really well, I do have plans to write a prequel about Luke and Janice’s relationship prior to Jane. I personally would love to be in Luke’s mind and get to know more about him and his motivations.

I know as a reader, I have encountered this emotion before … of not wanting a book or a series to end. It’s rather more personal and intense on the writing side of things for me. There have been books, though, that I love so much, I had to read them again and still wish they wouldn’t come to an end. The Time Traveler’s Wife, Siddhartha and Replay come to mind.

Colin Firth put it so brilliantly: “When I’m really in to a novel, I’m seeing the world differently during that time – not just for the hour or so in the day when I get to read, I’m actually walking around in a bit of a haze, spellbound by the book and looking at everything through a different prism.”

Have you, as a writer or reader had the experience of mourning the end? Please share with us.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

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The Journey or the Destination?

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imagesWhile my husband and I were at a dance recently, I had an epiphany. It’s not surprising that the thought came to me while dancing because I find incredible freedom in moving to music where my mind can get totally lost in the sway to the song (Thank you, Justin Timberlake for Suit and Tie). Totally connected to my body and the grooving beat, this is what popped in: I should be proud of my accomplishments and worry less about the destination.

I have two books published with the third of the My Body Trilogy coming out July 15th. My social media followers and friends are growing faster and faster each day. I’m balancing lots of work with plenty of time off and am content with my life.

For the first time ever, I find myself driven and focused and there is good reason for it. I’m chasing my dream job as an author and hoping to be a huge success. I want financial freedom for my husband and me so he too can focus on writing full-time.

The continuous drive is all well and good but I need to stop and smell the proverbial roses. I need to integrate and honor the small successes along the way and not solely focus on the end goal.

It’s hard at times because people are frequently asking me about my book sales and how it’s going. Is it appropriate to say, “Not as well as I’d hoped but it’s still early,” or “None of your fucking business?” Joking about the last comment but many people say things like, “Are you famous yet?” and “You must be rich.”

Unless you are E. L. James and a fluke (a rather good fluke), becoming a successful author is a process, and like any business, it takes time. I signed a contract with my publisher one year ago. My Body-His came out in November 2012, and My Body-His (Marcello) was released in March 2013. I have been told (not sure if there is any truth to it) that my books have a better chance of success once all novels of the trilogy are out. Fingers crossed!

So as I continued to gyrate to the beat of the song, I acknowledge that we, those who chase the dream, are few and far between and I should be proud to be among my fellow authors and artist making a go of it.

I’m sure I’ll have to remind myself that although the goal is important in keeping me motivated, the successes along the way need to be celebrated.

Like just now, I am holding My Body-Mine in my hands for the first time and I’m just in love with the cover. It’s thicker than book one and two because it’s longer and I can’t wait for my readers and fans to read the finale of the trilogy. I have done it. I not only have written one book but three and they will all soon be out in circulation.

I also excited to have the My Body Trilogy Blog Tour set for the end of July and you can join in the festivities and help me celebrate my successes.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my musing and as always, I love to read your comments.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

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Push Through or Walk Away?

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walking a clear pathI consider myself to be self-reflective. I try to look past what I’m doing to why I’m doing it or why I’m reacting. I also like to explore what motivates a particular response or even how I can behave differently.

The hardest part for me is when I continuously hit up against the same stimulus with the same response even though I am working hard to move past it.  It’s the most frustrating when I feel like I have grown only to find my emotions stirred up again in the same way as before.

In the past, I have held this belief that I can move past any issue if I’m willing to dig to the core of me. Because of this I sometimes take on more of the responsibility when an issue comes up than may be warranted (according to my husband).

Now I realized that sometimes the best thing, the healthiest thing, is to move away from the stimulus. I don’t mean from a ‘hiding’ standpoint but from acknowledging that the situation isn’t healthy and it’s time to move on. I had previously held the position that moving through the issue was always the best way to go but now I’m not so sure that’s always the right course of action. Reactions aren’t always just the mirror of our past but maybe a way of protecting us in the present.

Anytime I have a reaction that I don’t like, I tend to assume that I need to do something to change the circumstance or myself. Maybe all I need to do is remove myself from the situation. Unfortunately, it’s not always so black and white and easily discernible.

If you’ve read my novels, then you can probably see where Jane gets her introspection. I played with this concept of trying to evolve past the current situation. Sometimes we must, even in the case of family and friends, extract ourselves from the situations that don’t support us and our wellbeing. You will see Jane evolve in this manner throughout the arc of the trilogy.

The best example I can think of to illustrate the challenge happened when I worked in “corporate America.” I had a job and a half to get done in the traditional 40 hour week and as much as I tried and struggled, I couldn’t handle the stress of all the work not getting done that kept getting heaped on my plate. I had to rush from one thing to another never fully feeling satisfied with the outcome. Being away from the situation, I can now easily see that the job was an awful fit for me and the struggles I put myself through were simply me trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. Back then though, I truly thought I should be able to change something within myself to make it work.

Fortunately, I now get to chase the dream of a published author (thanks to my wonderful husband) and that is far more satisfying. There are still times I run up against myself and other people’s personalities but at least I’m working for myself now and setting my own schedule.

Life continues to astound and amaze me and I am fascinated to continually learn more about the facets of myself and others.

How do you handle something you would like to change about yourself? Do you spend the time trying to figure out what motivates you?

Thanks for reading and please share your comments.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

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The Importance of Passion

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What gets your pulse thudding and your blood pumping? What churns you to feel the drive of your desires? You might think I’m merely asking about sex and attraction however, I have been thinking a lot about passion lately on a few different levels. Like how it pertains to my writing because if there is one common denominator in erotica, it’s most probably the passion but also as it pertains to what truly motivates us in life and how it factors in our relationships.

I firmly believe when we are truly passionate about person, job, or anything else, we become highly motivated in acquiring or achieving. Not so long ago, when I worked in a corporate job, I thought most of the men I worked with and for were work-a-holics. However, I now understand that they were driven to succeed in an occupation where their passions lie. I can say this because I’m living my passion as a published author, highly driven toward success and my daughter now refers to me as the work-a-holic. I quickly shake it off, mostly because she really has no concept of hard work and how much time it can take. I probably work eight to ten hours a day between writing, editing, and social media and put time in on the weekends as well. I also take time off when I’m feeling burnt out so I don’t exhaust myself or my drive and I get to set my own hours so I can.

The importance of passion is very clear to me now. I believe we all need it to truly feel alive in our lives. It surely doesn’t have to be found in an occupation. It can be a hobby, family, exercise, or many other activities. I often wish I was as passionate about exercise as the marathon runners or long distance bikers. My passion for exercise and a firm body runs in a cycle from extremely focus and driven to drop a few pounds and build muscle to being a slug. Fortunately for me the slugdom phase is far shorter. Since moving out to the Northwest, I blame it on the winter and the lack of sun. Fortunately Spring is moving in as will be my resolve to drop five pounds of fat while adding at least as much in muscle mass. 🙂

As it pertains to writing, which I’m sure by now if you have read my novels or follow my site you understand how passionate I am regarding the written word. I strive to fully communicate the range of desire, attraction, flirtation, sex and longing. I recently watch a Bollywood movie that told the story of two sisters who fell in love and eventually married the men of their desire. The film depicted no sex or kissing and the only physical touch happened through hugging but they clearly showed longing, chemistry, and passion merely through facial expressions and eye contact. It made me consider how I communicate passion via the written word and how sometimes covert longing is more powerful than overt desire.

In relationship passion has amazing binding power and helps longevity. It’s definitely works that way for my husband and me (18 years and going strong). I do wonder why passion and desire seems to fade in many relationships and when I craft stories about relationships, I can’t help analyzing why one relationship can last for the long-term while others do not. This may sound silly to some, but I believe because my husband and I, even after all this time, never run out of things to talk about, we still enjoy spending time together. I’m sure having great chemistry is a huge help as well. 😉

I’ve known for a long time that writing is my passion and now I get to live it in a new exciting way. Thanks to all my friends, family, and fans that support me in making my passions my life.

What are you passionate about? How does it motivate you? Please share with me and my readers. Thanks!

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Please feel free to friend me on Facebook by clicking here.
And follow the My Body Trilogy Facebook page by clicking here.
Find My Body-His (book one) for sale on Amazon here.
Find My Body-His Marcello (book two) on Amazon here.

The Nu Project and the Female Body

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My husband turned me onto The Nu Project website where women from all over North and South American have submitted their nude photos in support of the endeavor to show what real women look like.  That’s not to say models are not real women, however they are so far in the minority that to base our societies standards on their physiques is to set up a culture where the majority of women feel dissatisfied with their bodies.  This project celebrates all types of women’s shapes and curves. I, for one, think it’s fabulous.

As someone who has often compared herself to women twenty years younger than I, I love to see all shapes and size represented.  In the My Body Trilogy, my characters are fit and lean mostly because that’s what I find appealing although I plan to write other novels with all types of characters represented.  Lauren Dane, in one of her Chase Brothers series novels, has a full-figured main female character which I very much enjoyed.

I’m considered an average size woman now but in my early adulthood I was definitely full-figured and struggled with my own self-image.  As a practicing nudist, one of the most liberating aspects is to see all shapes and sizes of men and women and their comfort level with their own bodies.  Each and every body is unique and loving my own body, makes me even more inclined to take great care of it.

My husband and I just watched Monique Marvez: Not Skinny Not Blonde comedy show on Showtime.  I highly recommend that you check it out.  We laughed our asses off but it also enlightened me to a very important fact of life.  Something I probably unconsciously knew but never spent much time thinking about.  She said that how women see themselves, us being our own worst critics, is very different than how men see us, most especially the men who love us.  I believe this to be true so from now on I plan to see myself through my husband’s eyes instead of my own because he has such a positive attitude toward how I look.  🙂

I’m excited to share The Nu Project with you and help promote any endeavor that shines a positive light on a culture based on reality instead of an ideal.  Hopefully the project will expand to include men as well.

Check it out and let me know what you think.  As always, I love to read your comments.

I hope everyone had a wonderful week.  The blog tour is going well and the official release of My Body-His (Marcello) happened on Friday which is very exciting.  Looking forward to reading your reviews.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Please feel free to friend me on Facebook by clicking here.
And follow the My Body Trilogy Facebook page by clicking here.
Find My Body-His (book one) for sale on Amazon here.
Find My Body-His Marcello (book two) on Amazon here.

Sex is So Much More

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Sex encompasses way more than the mere physical act especially when occurring in a long-term committed relationship. Sex is wholly gratifying in more ways than just the mere orgasmic experience.  As I’ve written before, there are many health benefits to having a healthy sex life but it encompasses even more.

A person gets to feel sexy and competent in bringing their husband or lover to satisfaction and satiation. Partners get to relive the best parts of sex and be excited about cumming together again. They can explore fantasies and continually grow in their trust with one another.

The physical expression of love helps people to feel more bonded and close to their partners. How can leaving sex out of the marriage equation be a good thing? I am baffled and intrigued by how many marriages seem to stay together with infrequent or no sex.

They tell me that there are other parts of the relationship that are great. They are friends, their wives or husbands are great moms or dads, and/or they have built a life together. Those are great parts of a marriage for sure and I don’t minimize them, but why is it that in our society sex seems to be the hardest thing to discuss openly. I do wonder sometimes if some women lose interest in their spouse because they aren’t satisfied and yet are too scared/worried to ask for what they want and need. I believe talking about sexual preferences is one of the best ways of increasing intimacy.

Why do we need to take it personally if someone wants a harder or softer touch or prefers one act or position to another? I know for me the things I really enjoy have changed over the years. This might be different for men but great sex happens for me, and I believe for most women, with greater connection and greater trust than a one night stand can provide.

I do differentiate between making love and fucking and frankly they both have their place of appreciation in my life. But even when my husband and I are experiencing raw passion with each other, a deep level of connection still exists.

I think our generation should do our damnedest to shift the culture of our society so we don’t have another generation treating sex like it has to be some big secret or something we can’t be honest about.

Hope you all had a great weekend! As always, I would love to hear your comments and thoughts on the topic.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Please feel free to friend me on Facebook by clicking here.

Or follow the My Body Trilogy Facebook page by clicking here.

Find My Body-His (book one) for sale on Amazon here.

Find My Body-His Marcello (book two) for pre-sale on Amazon here.

An Epiphany

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After the book signing last week, I had an epiphany.  It sort of runs along the lines of expectations but goes a bit deeper I think.  I will do my best to try to elegantly share my thoughts with you.

I believe that all of my stress or strife over life is self-imposed.  I’m not referring to tragic world events or when some you really care about is ill.  I’m talking about the daily bump-ups against life.  I realized that my reactions are solely based on how I think things should be or how I would like them to go against what actually is.  I’m not referring to the now popular adage of “Be Here Now” or even “Living in the Moment”.  For me, distraction is highly underrated and should be used often.  Fantasizing is not being in the moment and it’s how I create and write.  What I’m addressing is about getting next to “what is” and in that place I can find the grace.  Life is an adventure and we can fight it all along the way or find a way to enjoy the ride.

I realized that I am more go-with-the-flow than I originally gave myself credit for, or maybe I have just recently moved into a different frame of mind.

How does this impact my writing?  Glad you asked. 🙂  There were times when I was writing My Body-His where the story went into a completely different direction than I thought it would and I actually panicked a few times telling my husband I needed to scrap and rewrite.  I never did and what I think happened is that it offered the story unpredictability because even I didn’t predict it.  These days, I follow where my characters take me without the stress because it’s their story after all.

My husband wrote a book many years ago called Evolving Paradigms which spoke of the limiting effects that takes place when you get locked into a particular paradigm and cease to grow.  The pertinent part of the book for this blog has to do with the premise that we function during the course of our lives in three ways: as reactors, responders, and initiators.  We are born as reactors and during that phase we have no control over how we respond to situations or stimulus.  As we grow and mature, we still react, but we can pause long enough to choose how we would like to respond.  Ultimately the goal would be to evolve into initiators who are controlled less by their reactions and a need to respond by releasing the struggle that goes with wanting to have control over the uncontrollable.

Luke, in My Body-His and My Body-His (Marcello), must maintain control of his life at all times and Jane, although she does try to please him, is not a natural submissive and is ultimately a force in Luke’s life that he cannot control.  Because of Luke’s upbringing, which you find out more about in the second book of the My Body Trilogy, his need for complete obedience becomes his own downfall.

For me however, getting next to “what is” and letting go of how I think it should be or go really frees me to enjoy the rollercoaster of life and sway with the ebb and flow.  The humorous part for me is that I can’t change “what is” by sheer will and holding onto the false image of how things should be is just unnecessary conflict I create within my life.

I don’t mean to imply I am cured from getting miffed over life circumstances sometimes, however I think I have found a new ease with the dance.

Love to read your thoughts on this realization of mine and how you cope with life’s twists and turns. Please comment.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Please feel free to friend me on Facebook by clicking here.

Or follow the My Body Trilogy Facebook page by clicking here.

Find My Body-His (book one) for sale on Amazon here.

Find My Body-His Marcello (book two) for pre-sale on Amazon here.

Happy New Year and 2013 Intentions

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I find the New Year to be a great time to reflect on people and events that I’m truly grateful for from 2012 and set my intentions for the coming year.

Let me begin by saying a big thanks to you, my readers, for checking out my blog and for supporting my dreams by purchasing my novels.  Without you, my dreams could never become a reality.

I feel incredibly grateful to my husband who pushed me to try again to get My Body-His published in 2012. Having someone supporting you in pursuit of your dreams is invaluable. I’m grateful for Catherine from Fanny Press who saw and sees the value in my writing.

I’m grateful for my daughter who is an exceptional teenager and makes me feel like the best mother in the world and for my two stepdaughters and family that I love so much. I so appreciate my family and close friends for their enthusiasm and support of me chasing my dreams.

I’m hugely grateful to have found a man who encourages me to be me and for loving me all the while. Isn’t that what we are all looking for?

And finally, I’m grateful to myself for taking better care of my body and spirit this year and taking the risk of seeking publishing for my dark erotic novels.

I read an article the other day “Five Things You Can Do Instead of New Year’s Resolution” by Kelly McGonigal, Ph.D. which suggested that instead of setting your New Year’s resolutions you would serve yourself better by doing these five things:

  1. Write yourself a letter from your future self, letting you know what accomplishments you made in 2013.  Kind of like positive projection from your older self. (We did a dream list instead which was a lot of fun to do.)
  2. List your favorite moments and accomplishments from 2012.  (I like this one a lot. I think it’s too easy to focus on the negative and far more helpful to our overall outlook if we focus on the positive.)
  3. She goes on to suggest that we should make a list of the five things we are most looking forward to in 2013. (We decided to create a list of intentions.)
  4. List what you are grateful for. (See above.  That was my list from Thanksgiving which is another yearly tradition.)
  5. Lastly, make a commitment to someone else. She recommends donating your time or money to a cause you care about.

I have set a handful of intentions for the new year and I will share a few of them with you:

  • I will continue to take great care of my body and spirit and to increase my fitness while maintaining my current weight. (There is nothing better than exercise to keep me grounded and positive.)
  • I will finish My Body-Mine, the third novel in the My Body Trilogy no later than March 1st.  I plan to have the first draft done by the end of January but want to have plenty of time to edit and rework as necessary.
  • As soon as MBM is finalized, I will help my husband finish, edit and get his novel published.  I’m very excited to help him accomplish his dreams as well.
  • Find more cool places to hike in the Northwest!  Have any suggestions for me?

I would love to hear what you have set for your intentions in the New Year. Please share with us.

Check back next week for my blog called Pussywillow. 😉

Warm hugs and safe partying,

Blakely

Please feel free to friend me on Facebook by clicking here.

Or follow the My Body Trilogy Facebook page by clicking here.

Find My Body-His Marcello (book two) for pre-sale on Amazon here.

Expectations Part Deux

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In my first blog on expectations I wrote about positive and negative filters but didn’t address being invested in a particular outcome. I remember a great example of a time when my expectations were sorely tested. One Saturday morning, the only day that week we had to sleep in, we were lying in bed beginning to get amorous but still not quite part of the waking world when the phone rang at 9:00 AM…rude on a Saturday in my not so humble opinion.

This was back when I was doing bookkeeping and there was a meeting set for the morning. I had previously provided them with the reports they had requested but the man on the phone wanted more. So I booted up my computer and shot over more reports. Then, before I could steal back to bed, another call came in asking me financial questions that my brain was not up to speed to answer. Keep in mind this meeting was formed and called at the last minute on a Saturday morning which I was NOT required to attend. Turns out the financial question was a simple one that had I been asked later in the day would have been blatantly apparent but instead, an hour passed until it was resolved. Anger had done its job by that point in waking me up completely.

So what does all of that have to do with expectations? By the time the impromptu phone conference finished, neither my husband nor I were in the head space to head back to bed. Our expectations for our Saturday morning were shot and really affected our mood.

My idealized self is a go-with-the-flow kind of woman but the truth of me is that a very aggravating meeting first thing in the morning messed with my mojo. I’m happy to say we were able to shake it off by that evening and had a wonderful Sunday together but it certainly made me think about how attached I am to my expectations.

To me it felt especially harsh given that Saturdays are MY time with my husband and I hate when other people’s piss poor planning effects my day. The hardest part was being aware of how much it impacted both my husband and me. It did, however, stimulate another blog for me to write so it wasn’t all bad. 😉

I do tend to be flexible about change especially when it’s not interfering with my free time. My husband and daughter have a harder time adjusting to unexpected change and it’s a good thing to know about a person. It makes it easier to understand why someone gets upset when things go in an unexpected direction.

I know I could have chosen not to answer the phone that morning and if I had to do it all over again I probably would have let the call go to voice mail. Next time I will.

I must add the caveat that for people like me, who like surprises, the unexpected can sometimes be very welcomed. Just don’t get me out of bed early when I have other things on my mind!

How do you handle unexpected changes when you have expectations of how something will go? Is it easy for you to let it roll off your back or do you have a hard time adjusting? Please share your comments and stories.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Please feel free to friend me on Facebook by clicking here.

Or follow the My Body Trilogy Facebook page by clicking here.

Find My Body-His Marcello for pre-sale on Amazon here.