Tag Archives: self-exploration

Reviews

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It has been interesting for me to read the reviews of My Body-His. The last two reviewers really hated Luke, the main male character. I imagined people would feel more like Bookie Nookie who wrote, “Honestly, Luke is one of those heroes you love to hate and I can’t really decide at the moment if I want him or want to kill him.”

I don’t quite understand the abject hatred of Luke. I see him as a flawed, damaged character and Jane can choose to leave at any time. Of course, I know more of the back story than the rest of the readers that comes to light in My Body-His (Marcello) the second book of the My Body trilogy. I didn’t intend for people to hate him, however I did hope people would feel Jane’s plight and it is clear to me that is happening.

I honestly see more of a love to hate him scenario than a hate to hate him. It will be interesting to hear the views of the men who read the novel (all the reviewers have been female so far). I wonder if men will feel the same way about Luke.

One reviewer didn’t care for Jane either and another said she thought Jane was addicted to the orgasms Luke doled out. I don’t see Jane as addicted to the sex which Luke uses to keep her engaged. She is addicted to his love and approval which he dishes out and then takes away again. That is the addiction for Jane.

Of course the wonderful thing about reading a book is that you get to decide what it all means to you and with that, I will let you all decide for yourself.

Now that the book is out, I would love to know what you think.

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Who Has the Power in Your Relationship?

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I asked a couple of my girlfriends, “Who has the power in your relationship?” One said that she thought she did sometimes and her husband did other times. However, her husband was sitting on the other side of me and he stated empathically that she has the power, because even if he feels differently about how something should be done, she ends up wearing him down and they do what she wants. I asked my other girlfriend who was sitting with us the same question and she said that her boyfriend learned from his past marriages three things: “Keep Momma happy, keep Momma happy, and keep Momma happy.” So in both of those cases the women have the power in their relationships.

Jane, in My Body-His and My Body-His (Marcello), gives away her power leaving a gross imbalance. She can never really find her equilibrium without having an equal say. I understand there are people who love to relinquish all control because I have chatted with a few but I am speaking to the more common relationship dynamic.

My husband and I have found a way to compromise as we both have strong opinions and personalities. We share the power. We sometimes argue about it but less and less as the years go on.

Girlfriend #2 asked me if I have some judgment over what works best and at the time I said, “We all have our dance to work out.” But after pondering for a while, the truth is I do have some opinions around it. I believe, unless you are married to a completely selfless person, resentment must build when one person continually gives up what they want or how they think something should be handled which can lead to passive-aggressive behavior. I don’t believe a truly healthy relationship exists if one person is always giving in.

Part of really loving another person is valuing how they see life and what they need out of it. If it’s always about what one person wants, that seems pretty selfish to me. Relationships are about compromise and sharing life’s challenges equally.  It’s not a compromise if one person is always having it “their” way. Compromise is midway between two extremes and not about giving in.

Taking a superior position of one’s own opinions is a form of control and a way of getting what you want. I have a hard time imagining that this type of dynamic can beget a close intimate relationship.  For me it shows a lack of respect for the other person.

This all ties back into honesty and the fear of confrontation that I wrote about in “We Kill Our Intimacy with Politeness”. The fear of confrontation that many people have is the very thing that allows others to control them. So while we experience an immediate feeling of “safety” by avoiding confrontation, the long term consequences is the loss of personal integrity and the possibility for a close, intimate connection.

For me, finding a balance of power in all my relationships promotes a fair, respectful, and harmonious existence. Still working on this with some of the people in my life, but learning more every day.

Who has the power in your relationship? How do you negotiate when you have a difference of opinion?

Warm hugs,

Blakely

Limerence and/or NRE

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“Limerence” and New Relationship Energy (NRE) is the state of biochemical pleasure that so many people crave and yet really don’t understand. It’s the very intense feelings you have in the beginning of a new relationship. Dorothy Tennov coined the term limerence in 1979 in her book called, “Love and Limerence”.

Limerence can cause a whole host of behaviors from the more mild forms of being unable to focus, always thinking about the person of desire, checking your phone or email messages obsessively, and in the most extreme cases you might find a person resorting to stalking behaviors. NRE is a term used in the same vein but without the obsessive aspects.

Jane, most definitely suffers from limerence in My Body-His and confuses it with love.

Most people, like Jane’s character, are unconscious about what motivates their choices and decisions when in a limerent or NRE state and tend to confuse it with love. If people were more aware of the neurological effects, they could still enjoy the wonderful biochemical dance running through their blood stream but not succumb to the crazy behaviors or thought patterns that can manifest during the throes of unbridled hormonal passion best known as dopamine- the “LOVE” connection.

People, who tend to have very short-term relationships, are probably addicted to the limerent chemical rush and/or NRE. As soon as its effects begin to wear off, they move on to a “new” relationship. Hey, it’s good stuff and rumor has it that it can last up to 2 years. I’m here to testify that the good parts can last much, much longer when there is open and honest communication and ongoing intimacy. My husband and I still have it!

Limerence, not understood, can lead people to make bad choices for themselves like moving across the country for someone they barely know or getting married before they have figured out whether or not they are truly compatible or ending a long marriage over an affair.

I think NRE is great and know it can really work for people if they stay conscious enough to deal with it responsibly and knowledgably. Let love rule but don’t let it cloud your brain.

Warm hugs,

Blakely www.amazon.com/author/blakelybennett
http://www.amazon.com/My-Body-His-Blakely-Bennett/dp/1603815236/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349791682&sr=8-1&keywords=My+Body-His
http://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Body-His-series/359307324147300

Could Lack of Sex Be Killing You?

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According to Dr. Oz, the leading health problem in the United States isn’t obesity but lack of sex. The average sex life is once a week, thank god I don’t live by that standard! The good doctor says if you increase having sex from once a week to twice a week you will live three years longer. I wonder if that is exponential if you have it even more often.

I hear so much from men about how their wives have just completely lost interest in sex. I have to wonder if it’s because A. they are sucky lovers (sorry guys), B. they don’t work on having a close intimate relationship with their wife, (most women need a connection to want to have sex) or C. their wives need their hormones checked.

According to Dr. Oz’s article, one in seven women has never cum. No orgasms. Zip, nada, zilch. I can’t even imagine it. Guess what the biggest hang up is regarding sex? Can you guess it?  ~People are too scared to talk about sex.~ As I have said before, it’s unfathomable to me because how do you get your needs met if you can’t even communicate them? YOU DON’T!

Dr. Mike Moreno says sex can boost your immune system, reduce the risk of prostate cancer, and protect your heart. Because of the biochemical released, it can reduce stress and make you happier. For women going through menopause, the more sex the better which reduces the chance of vaginal dryness. Dr. Mike agrees with Dr. Oz, sex adds years to your life. Dr. Mike prescribes sex at least three times a week.

I, for one, would like to live a long, healthy life and it’s good to know I’m adding years by having the time of my life.

As always, your thoughts and comments are welcomed.

Warm hugs,

Blakely www.amazon.com/author/blakelybennett
http://www.amazon.com/My-Body-His-Blakely-Bennett/dp/1603815236/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349791682&sr=8-1&keywords=My+Body-His
http://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Body-His-series/359307324147300

Values and Standards

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Values and standards are an interesting topic to me because they express so many dimensions that can effect a person’s life. I think one of the biggest impacts happens when we allow other people’s standards or values to dictate how we see ourselves or worse how we choose to behave because of fear of rejection or other negative ramifications. Our personal choices are the most powerful attribute we have as humans so why do we give it away?

The timeliest example I can think of has to do with my novels.  When I first tried to find an agent back in early 2009, I still had a very hard time talking about my books.  I felt embarrassed by what I thought other people would think.  Would they think me a sex fiend or assume, as some have, that the story is about me?  Could their opinions of me be so changeable regarding the dream I had chosen?  I think the biggest internal conflict people face is the pull between what they deem as right and good and the pressure that comes from other people’s opinions or worse, judgments.

I believe that relationships can be the hardest arena to navigate these issues.   I’m certain you won’t find any two people who agree on everything. The worst thing you can do in a relationship is take the position that YOUR values and YOUR standards are better/higher than another’s values.  The truth is that a lot of what we buy into is a fundamental part of our upbringing and cultural and even time period. So one’s values are not better than another, just different.

I’m happy to report that my feelings regarding my own works of fiction have changed.  The change came prior to the 50 Shades phenomena but I’m certain that the door has been opened to allow greater acceptance of alternative erotica because of E L James.

In My Body-His, Jane battles this very issue and allows it to create a gulf between her and her best friends.  She assumes her friends will not understand her choices and will instead be judgmental.  Instead of going to them for much needed support, she struggles on her own which leaves her feeling isolated and confused.

I think the best course of action is to feel good about our own choices without worrying too much about what the rest of the world might think about the routes we have chosen.  No greatness has come from following the pathway already carved.

How do differing values and standards effect your life?  Please share with us.

Warm hugs,

Blakely www.amazon.com/author/blakelybennett
http://www.amazon.com/My-Body-His-Blakely-Bennett/dp/1603815236/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1349791682&sr=8-1&keywords=My+Body-His
http://www.facebook.com/pages/My-Body-His-series/359307324147300

Orgasm

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My husband and I were joking around that we should open a place called the Orgasium; combining the words gymnasium and orgasm. It would be a place where people could learn to have and give intense long lasting orgasms. Not sure our culture is ready for that, yet. I still hold out hope.

What is an orgasm really? For me it’s the culmination of an intense energy explosion that shoots all these fantastic biochemicals through my system giving me the best high imaginable without any long lasting side effects except the desire to do it again! According to Wikipedia, an orgasm is the peak of the plateau phase of the sexual response cycle, characterized by an intense sensation of pleasure. Yeah, that’s what I meant. 😉

I find the release one of the hardest things to describe and as my publisher/editor so kindly pointed out and I can’t use, “waves of pleasure”, over and over.  🙂

Did you know that the clit is the only organ whose sole purpose is sexual pleasure? I have often wondered why it’s situated above the vaginal opening as it seems to be a flawed design. If the clitoris was located just inside the vagina…wow! I also wonder why such a small percentage of women can have orgasms solely through intercourse and yet in movies and books (even mine in some places) that’s all it takes to get a woman to cum leaving women feeling somehow inferior because they can’t orgasm that way.

I think it’s vitally important that a person know how to make themselves cum. I was shocked to find out my college roommate had never ever masturbated. How can you show your partner what makes you feel good enough to cum if you yourself do not know?

I don’t think the orgasm is the most important part of sex, just the best part! I think the best way to get the orgasms you really desire is to be connected, along with open and honest communication and self-exploration with your partner.

What do you think?