Tag Archives: sensual

Sex Drives and Hal Sparks

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I read an article recently where the author felt strongly that if you and your spouse’s sex drives are discordant that accommodations should be made for the one with the higher drive. I didn’t agree with everything she said but I did agree with her premise that men who tend to have higher sex drives will eventually cheat if they are not satisfied.

I think most of what we buy into in our culture regarding sex and relationship is propaganda. Hal Sparks has to be one of the funniest comics I have ever seen and I just love how irreverent he is about standards of behavior. He did a great bit in his Charmageddon show about the differences of men and women going into a sex store and buying toys. He says, because men are considered the more sex obsessed, they are required to behave differently. Woman can have a trunk full of toys and when a man finds out about them, it’s his lucky day to have such a sexual woman. But if a man has a mere drawer full of toys, the woman will be running as fast as she can out the door.

I enthusiastically agree with Hal when he says that other than some differences in plumbing in the lower region, men and women are the same. It is our culture and religion that shapes us into different creatures, not our biology.  I wonder if the differences we find in men and women will affect how each reads and interprets my novels.  Will my book just appeal to the Mommy Porn crowd or will Daddy Porn be on the rise?  Can we even call it Daddy Porn?  Somehow I think there might be a double standard with that moniker as well.

Back to our sex drives.  I’m not so sure there is a huge difference between men and women that you don’t find within the same sex. For instance, my second boyfriend had very little interest in sex. I went through hoops trying to get him more interested. What I think is different is that we as women take something into our bodies which in turn makes us more vulnerable than the men who do the penetrating.  Whether it’s because of our biology or upbringing, it seems most women need a connection to want to be sexual and most men need sex to want the connection. If your woman isn’t feeling connected to you, you probably aren’t having much sex.

So what to do when your sex drives aren’t a match? In our culture we are told to just buck up and suffer or have an affair. I personally look forward to the day that people start being honest about sex and their needs and desires. I think if people did that BEFORE they were married, they might not end up with such a mismatch. I personally don’t think people are smart when it comes to picking a mate and they do not hold sex high enough in the equation.

Oh here’s another great thing that Hal said in his routine that I loved. He said you should never save yourself for “the one”, you should be busy practicing for “the one”. Hell if they are your “one and only”, you should do everything you can to be ready for them. 😛

Here’s another plug to talk about sex and what you need. The more you are willing to talk and share, the more likely it is that you will get what you need. Oh and definitely check out Hal Sparks Charmageddon. I laughed so hard both times I watched it.

Perspective and Perception

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When crafting characters, their different perspectives and perceptions help drive the conflict and define their uniqueness.  I have spent a lot of time musing around the idea that perspective is like a sphere which can be experienced from an infinite number of possible perceptions. Where you are positioned on the sphere, metaphorically speaking, has to do with your genetics, experiences and upbringing (family, culture, religion, etc.)  All of those varying facets add depth to a character.

Perception or seeing something from a perspective unique to your point of view on the sphere always presents the opportunity for a diametrically opposed view point from the other side of the sphere. Is it possible to find common ground with someone whose idea of the situation is opposite? I’m not sure and this is something with which Jane in My Body-His struggles. In real life does it work best if they are at least in your quadrant on the sphere? Or at least on your side of things?

Why the heck does it matter that we have similar perspectives? My experience and therefore perspective is that to navigate well through life with someone, a lover or a friend, you have to have some similar perspectives and perceptions. I’m not saying they have to be really closely matched but they have to be close enough that I can stretch my perspective enough to see your point of view and vice versa.

I used to talk to this guy online whose wife felt that she had a better childhood and therefore had better ideas and ways to navigate life. So every time they came to a crossroads of having a different perception (according to him), she would make life miserable until she got her way. Clearly they are headed for a divorce if nothing changes but I think a huge part of their conflict is centered on the fact that they perceive life so differently.  Their life might make an interesting story.  At least it makes for a lot of drama.

I have always found it interesting to speak to people who have different perspectives as it can open the door to new ideas and different ways of thinking. I’ve come to the conclusion however that there needs to be some overlapping of how we see the world to make a deep and secure connection.

I would very much like to hear from my readers what they think about the necessity of a shared perspective.

Dark Fantasies

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I talked with a friend the other day and we had a conversation about fantasies. Not specific ones but fantasizing in general terms, which got me thinking about how writing is very much a fantasy process.  Every writer uses his or her imagination and empathy to craft the story.

I wondered if men and women fantasize differently.  My friend always fantasizes about someone he knows in scenarios that he would like to happen.  Another thing that men tell me is common is to relive a scenario that actually took place.

For me my fantasies are darker and I wouldn’t want them to happen in real life. They rarely star someone I know or have seen. So I was left wondering if the difference was simply the difference between the sexes but after speaking with a few women it seemed that they themselves were varied in style. One said that the men in her imagination rarely have a face and that it was more about the scenario. I can relate to that. Another said that it depended on her mood.  Sometimes it’s about someone she knows and other times not.

I did some research and consistently it is said that men are more visual and therefore focus far more on the anatomy of their desire where women focus more on emotion and affection. Neither really describes me. Evidently rape and forced sex is common for women because on a list of top ten fantasies for women it ranked number one.

It may come down to desire because a man driven to rape, in fantasyland anyway, is so overcome by lust, he can’t help himself.

I read an interesting article called Rape, Fantasies, and Female arousal by William Saletan. He addresses research done measuring a woman’s intellectual response as opposed to her vaginal blood flow. According to the article, men’s minds and genitals are in agreement when it comes to sexuality and fantasy but for women it is different. They are speculating that arousal in women can be stimulated by the need for protection which is a biological response to avoid vaginal damage. They called it, “reflective sexual readiness” which is very different from desire. However they believe it is wired into our arousal system to keep us safe from abuse.

In my writings, I’m very fascinated by the body/mind conflict in sexuality.  Maybe my character, Jane, experiences reflective sexual readiness.  If that is the case, she doesn’t know it.

The Sex Conversation

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My husband and I spent the weekend with friends of ours and another couple.  It’s worth mentioning because we, adults in our 40s, 50s, and 60s, all talked openly about sex, attraction, turn-ons, vibrators, and more.

We all agreed that our society is rather constipated when it comes to sex and communicating openly about it.  Sex is as important to life and relationship as is sleeping or eating and yet we as a culture shun real conversation about it.  There is much to learn from each other.

Expectantly, the conversation evolved into a discussion about my novels and my motivation for writing them. You can read my previous blogs to read about that. The pleasant part of people asking me about my motives is that I’ve gotten over the embarrassment of what people will think of me because of what I have written. Some will think me a sex fiend and I’m okay with that. Others will understand the depth of character exploration and appreciate the journey.

I am enjoying a newfound freedom of exchange of ideas with openness that until My Body-His had eluded me. I want to thank everyone who participated in these open discussions this weekend and…please open your own discussions right here by making a comment or asking a question. This is a good place to start anew.

The Power of Empathy

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Recently I was sitting with a couple of my girlfriends who asked in subtle terms how I could write on the subject of BDSM? “I mean, you don’t really live that lifestyle, do you?” “No,” I said, honestly.

I believe, in the heart of every fiction writer dwells the power of empathy. We create characters, give them names and identities and place them in crazy situations. As an author, I have to listen carefully to my characters once underway because as they get involved with one another they tell me things about who they are and what they need. Everyone is just trying to make the best of what they have been dealt and if I listen carefully enough I can empathize with their circumstances and share that on the page. When Jane feels…I feel it as well.

I’m not discounting research when necessary but at some point the research has to meld into a palpable situation I can feel so you can feel it too.

Maybe empathy is why I can’t watch violence, torture or gore in movies and TV. I can’t tell you the number of movies where I have had my eyes closed for parts of the film.

Authors write about all sorts of subjects whether or not they have direct experience with them. Fortunately I finally figured out a good use for my vast imagination. At least I hope you all think so. 😉

50 Shades of Grey

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I have heard all kinds of opinions regarding 50 Shades of Grey by E L James but I think what speaks the loudest is the voluminous book sales.  Whether the writing is on par with literature isn’t really the point.  People, most especially women, are eating it up.

I did read the first book just recently and enjoyed the tension she created between the main characters.  People have asked me how 50 Shades compares to my series and I respond by saying my novels are darker, have more tension, the characters are older, and there is more exploration regarding motivations.  The My Body Trilogy is erotic suspense and not erotic romance.

I recently read that since the 50 Shades phenomena hit, that rope sales have gone up nationwide.  I personally will champion anything that will support people to be less uptight about sex.   Since erotica is one of my favorite genres to read, I am hoping that the door the 50 Shades series has opened, remains open and we can be entertained by alternative relationships that until just recently were too taboo to be mainstream.  It would be nice for my series to walk through that open door as well.

Go E L James and 50 Shades!  Long live Mommy porn!

Hello World!

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I’m embarking on the next great adventure in my life, getting published. The first book in the My Body Trilogy will be available for purchase November 15th which is exciting and scary at the same time.  I started writing My Body-His over seven years ago and finished crafting the novel in 2008.  Work, motherhood, and life in general took over and MBH took a back seat.  Just recently my husband encouraged me to leave my stressful corporate job and really focus on writing and getting published.  Thank you, my love! Thank you, FannyPress!

Although I wrote my novel(s) before 50 Shades of Grey hit the stands and people might assume I wrote them after the fact, I’m grateful that 50 Shades has open the door for more racy mainstream erotica and more specifically (I’m hoping) my erotic suspense trilogy. Let Mommy porn thrive….

I find it very interesting that people who hear about my BDSM trilogy seem to assume that Jane, the main female character, is based on me.  I’m certain people don’t assume my husband is a time traveler since he is writing about one in his Geared to the Present series.  If he is, I’m not telling. 😉

The truth is that I have an active imagination and a fascination with the lifestyle but don’t personally live it.  I have done a lot of research online including reading a plethora of erotica and speaking to men who consider themselves full-time Doms.  In my mid 20s a girlfriend of mine and I interviewed a Dom/sub couple which planted the original seed for the series.

What intrigues me the most is exploring the conflict between how the body responds to stimulation and how our mind endeavors to sort out what is considered right and wrong. Jane struggles through the series not only to figure out who she really is but also accept what she has come to realize about herself.

I hope you will enjoy reading My Body-His when the first novel comes out November 15th.