A long time male friend of mine and I have this ongoing debate about the female orgasm. According to him, almost all of his lovers have been able to orgasm vaginally and if you do the math, either he is extraordinarily lucky or has a wonder-schlong or a good percentage of the women were faking it. I believe and have expressed adamantly, that most of the women must have been faking it.
From several different sources I have found roughly the same statistic. 70%-80% percent of woman CANNOT have orgasms from intercourse alone. I, myself, fall into this category. In addition, several sources repeated this same sad statistic that 10-15 percent of women have trouble reaching orgasm at all.
Why does this erotic writer care about this information? I will tell you. I’ve just recently started a new series called Bound By Your Love that will have different female protagonists and I want to represent the real woman. Sure, some women are lucky enough to orgasm from penetration alone but most of us cannot.
Last week I posted a blog on masturbation and I would like to reiterate that the better you know your body as a woman, the better you can teach your lover what you need for satisfying sex.
My male friend felt that a woman’s lack of vaginal orgasm may be psychological. I would argue, and did, that it’s physiological.
Did you know that the clitoris is the only organ whose sole purpose is sexual pleasure? I have often wondered why it’s situated above the vaginal opening as it seems to be a flawed design. If the clitoris was located just inside the vagina…wow! I also wonder why such a small percentage of women can have orgasms solely through intercourse and yet in movies and books that’s all it takes to get a woman to cum, leaving women feeling somehow inferior because they can’t orgasm that way. A lot of porn, if not most, depicts women orgasming in an explosive manner just from penetration.
I’m still cultivating new ways to describe the incredible release that comes with great sex. I’m always looking for new words and ways to elevate my writing. So the research continues! 😉
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog post and please share your thoughts.
Warm hugs,
Blakely
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Thank you for writing this. So many women do feel inferior when their partners can’t bring them to orgasm, like it’s their fault. It’s flawed design of our bodies and for that reason, I prefer to write my erotic scenes with a man realizing this.
I joke that my erotic scenes are a handbook for me. They always include a lot of clitoral stimulation, which in turn leads to the release. Heck, I don’t even bother with the g-spot.
I’d like to see more authors take this route. A) Women need to understand this is the norm for the majority and that if they don’t obtain release that it doesn’t make it their fault. B) Men need to understand that not pleasing their women doesn’t make them any less of a man and that there’s nothing wrong with helping a woman along through stimulation or *gasp* toys.
Hi Rae,
Thanks so much for your comment. I totally agree with you. Yay for toys and getting to know the clit well!
Warm regards,
Blakely
I can tell you that for me, at least, a lot of it has to do with the relationship and how I feel about the person I’m with.
A lot of warm-up and foreplay – including romantic candlelit dinners, soft,adoring looks, slow dancing and walks on the beach at sunset – is a big part of it as well.
Before I finally came out of the closet and admitted that I was a pedigreed daughter of Sappho, a had a few male lovers – and the penetration did NOTHING for me. The last one actually did manage to get me off a few times, but it was always through cunnilingus and/or the creative use of his nimble fingers (he being a musician and all). He also wasn’t a bad kisser (for a man, anyway). Don’t underestimate good kissing technique.
Hope this helps.
Hi Jeanne,
Love your comment. I love penetration but that alone will not take me over the edge. I actually feel exactly the opposite on the kissing front. I have found that women are very passive kissers and I love to be engage in the dance.
Thanks for sharing,
Blakely
Wow, Blakely. Thanks for speaking out truthfully about this misnomer. I also write books with erotic sex scenes and wrestle with whether to make them more true to my experience as a woman than the idealized bullshit ideal. Some of my heroines do make cracks about why the myth of the vaginal orgasm has been so long perpetuated–to make women feel inadequate? So men don’t have to evolve as skillful sexual partners? Both?
Hi Nina,
I think we, as women, have to be bold and teach our partners what work for us. Every woman is different and we don’t help by keeping our lovers in the dark. I think we need to change the narrative on the female orgasm as writers. At least that’s my plan in my newest series.
Thanks for the comment,
Blakely
In a lot of cases – and admittedly, I’m a bit biased and jaded on the topic – it seems to be about a man’s quest for masculine prestige and how big and stiff his wanker is.
Getting a woman off for this type of man is less about pleasuring someone he cares about and far more about proving his virility and finding some kind of validation through sexual conquest.
Not all men are this way – but for me, it was true in two out of the three. (The third one, with whom I am still friends, I am convinced is a lesbian trapped in a man’s body – which explains a great deal for me.) IMHO, most men could learn a few things from lesbians (real ones, not the fake ones that show up on porn sites) – because who would best know how to please a woman than another woman?
Unless of course, it’s one’s self. One of my hetero sisters told me she spent time masturbating in front of her partner in order to show him what she liked done. Makes sense.
I think your sister’s got it right! Kudos to her.
Blakely
“Women as passive kissers”…hmm.
You’ve never met my darling Kaye. Even after twenty years (not counting the time we knew each other in middle and high school), the second our lips come together, it is O…M…F…G…
It’s even better when we’re making up after one of our knock down, drag out fights.
Of course, we’re still head-over-heels in love with each other…again, a big part of the equation, I think.
Lucky for you both! I do honestly believe that people have different preferences when it comes to kissing. My husband is by far the best kisser I have ever had. I still feel a bit high after a deep kiss!
Blakely
Well from a mans perspective I actually understand where you are all coming from. Since I am not a hung horse I found at a young age I needed to learn how to please. I ended up in a Mrs Robinson relationship at 19 and she was 39 and taught me more than I ever could imagine. So I love it when these studs talk about how hung they are and all that knowing that when I am with a woman I am at least there to ensure she is taken care of first. So needless to say I am a good kisser, great at long foreplay and have a tongue many women have enjoyed…:)
Scott
Hi Scott,
Thanks so much for sharing the male perspective!
Hugs,
Blakely
And while I prefer ladies (and one in particular), I think it is a beautiful thing for a young man to be initiated into the Pleasures of Loving by an experienced, older woman.
You were a fortunate young man! Perhaps more men would be better lovers if this were the case more often.
I totally agree that a woman in her 30’s to 40’s should teach at least 1 young man how to be a better lover. It could only benefit many more people than hurt…:)
I always know when my lover/wife comes. I can feel it on my tongue.
Thank you J.T. Your comment made me laugh.
Blakely
A bit late to the party as usual…
Well. I just want to mention another POV… As an almost 50 yo female who was listed as a slut for most of her life due to this…
Yes. I can orgasm from penetration alone if its done right (size not an issue): yes I often squirt when I orgasm, if g spot (or another whatever spot inside) is stimulated. Either way I cannot control it.
I like reading erotic romance where the women have an orgasm many different ways because that reflects my own experience: without the nasty names that I have been called in my life. As much as guys talk about it being cool for a woman to ask for what they need and to orgasm noisily and with fluids, in reality I have found most guys to be less than receptive. No idea about women.
I am happy to answer questions about it… its just my reality. I don’t fake, ever. Never have and never intend to.
Thanks so much for you comment. I do try to represent all different types of women and orgasms.
Warm hugs and you’re never too late. 🙂
Blakely