One of my best friends (who is a man and married) and I were just chatting about sex in marriage and I decided you all might want to chime in. I strongly believe as a loving, caring spouse, one should be concerned and invested in meeting their partner’s sexual needs. So many of my male friends are sexually dissatisfied at home. Their spouses don’t seem to want or need sex anymore, and are unwilling to make any strides to find out why that might be like hormone level testing and the like.
I will admit that sex might be just slightly (or massively) more important to me than the average Jane but I firmly believe that your partner’s sexual needs are part of the implied contract in saying “I do.” Now I’m not saying you have to do things out of your comfort zone or get on board with something kinky you most definitely don’t want to try. However, I do believe regular sex is as important in marriage as is good communication and quality time together.
To me, regular sex is the glue that holds marriages together through the sometimes stormy seas.
Unless both parties have equally lost interest in sex, I think it’s the less sexual party that needs to buck up and step up to the plate. You don’t feel like having sex yet again? Give your husband a hand job or a blowjob. You don’t necessarily have to have sex to help your partner. You could also read some erotica to get your juices flowing. I have a few stories I can suggest. 😉
I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that I think lots of relationships lose their sexual connection because they stop kissing. Kissing stimulates the release of dopamine, endorphins, and phenylethylamine, which are all bonding chemicals.
As my friend so aptly pointed out, some women are just wired to be hornier than others in their natural resting state. I agree with him but I don’t think that it gets you off the hook. You married whom you married and their needs should matter to you.
I just looked up infidelity statistics and they vary greatly depending on the source but they are high regardless. What do you think is the top reason? I would venture to guess it’s sexual dissatisfaction. Not that I’m condoning affairs at all but it’s doesn’t take a genius to follow the dots.
So do you agree with me or do you think men should just get next to the fact that some women, if not most, lose their desire for sex as they age? ( I know this happens in the reverse because I have female friends battling this as well.)
As I said to my man friend, I think it’s a choice. It’s a choice to care about your spouse’s needs and it’s a choice to do something to get yourself more sexually motivated. Sometimes it might just be asking for what you need to get there: A massage, a romantic dinner, and/or something else.
The happy couples, whom my husband and I personally know, still have great sex lives together. We don’t think it’s a coincidence.
I sent my blog to my friend to read and he pointed out that my post is very one sided. He said, “What if they aren’t in the mood?” Should his needs trump that? “Or when they say ‘I’m in my 40s and not as interested in sex any more’ are you supposed to ignore that and say ‘You said I do now let’s have sex?’ He makes some really good points to someone like me who already sets sex as a priority. A high one. I then say, it might be time for some give and take on both sides. I will argue that his wife has always known he has a high need for sex so to discount it now seems a bit flawed to me.
Of course there is another solution altogether that I wasn’t going to touch but here goes: open the marriage and let the spouse, without guilt, get their needs met elsewhere. (Ducking under the stones thrown in my direction) 😉
What do you say?
Warm hugs,
Blakely
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Find me a woman who does not want to satisfy her man, and I’ll show you a woman who has not been satisfied by her man. It goes both ways.
I agree. I know it works both ways. I just hear men complaining about it a lot more.
Thanks for the comment!
I think it is more than just the act of sex for the women it is the act of a mate caring about the others needs not just in the bed room but outside the bedroom. That can look different for every individual. Such as a thank you or you look beautiful with a random kiss. Taking the garbage out, doing a load of laundry. You running the errands and giving the other a break. The best advice I ever was given in my 24 years of marriage is foreplay starts outside the bedroom (sometimes hours before the actual act ) as much as it involves the inside of the bedroom. In my own experiences in my marriage I have had many episodes of lack of desire, lack of energy, hormonal issues after child birth, self esteem issues etc……I have had to overcome these things and make the choice to have sex even when desire was not there, but my partner has had to also make the choice that uf he wants sex he needs to start the foreplay whem he starts the day not just when he ends the day………and luck fot us when I hit 41 my sex drive seeem to come alive again 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I agree about foreplay. For us it goes on way before the actual coupling of sex.
Warm hugs,
Blakely
In my situation it is reversed. He isn’t and hasn’t been interested in forever. The only time he becomes interested is when he has been drinking. I have a hard time with that .
That’s tough. I understand that would be frustrating. Thanks so much for sharing.
Warm hugs,
Blakely
Absolutely! Completely! 100% agree with every single word!!! I’m the exact same way!
Thanks so much for the comment! It’s nice to know it’s not just me!
Warm hugs,
Blakely
I think your comment about losing some interest in sex when partners stop kissing is absolutely true! I think couples tend to kiss most often when they are “in love” … When people are married for a number of years, their lives take on so many other twists and turns, they may forget how it felt when they were first in that passionate state. And some couples even go as far as turning their sex into a boring routine. Maybe that’s why the infidelity rate is so high. It’s the rush, the excitement of the first, the new, and the kissing… I think both should make an effort not to just have sex as often as they both want/need, but to have it in various places, settings, playing all kinds of games; whatever one can come up with, the other one should at least listen and consider trying 🙂
Very well said and I totally agree. Thanks so much for commenting!
Warm hugs,
Blakely
This actually is very interesting. I agree with you. When you say “I do” you should at the very least try to meet there needs. If there’s a problem in the marriage and you really love your partner, than seek the help you need. Now if you have flat out have fallen out of love with your partner and you are for sure you’ll never be in live with them again, then at least own up to it. Before you go out and have an affair. If you married that person than you were at one time in love with them. So have enough respect to be honest and tell them your unhappy and want to see other people, before you have an affair. I believe respect and sex are the most important things in a marriage.
Thanks Tami for the comment. I totally agree with you.
Warm hugs,
Blakely
❤
Well as you know Blakely I am a perfect example of what you are saying;
in spades.
Yes, Jack, I know. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Warm hugs,
Blakely
I ve had an open marriage for the last 5 years , because hubby sex drive has depleted do to illness and age . We de used it and agree that I was younger and had strong sexual needs and that I should have them met ,so I have a friend and sex buddy .we help each other meet our needs . My husband and I love each other and have no secrets from e ach other . It works for us. We’ve been married 34 years .
That’s excellent. I think it would be great if more people were open to that. Good for you!
Warm hugs,
Blakely
I lost all interest in sex with my spouse when I was no longer in love/like with him. We are now divorced and I am much happier sexual being!!!
Thank you for sharing!
Warm hugs,
Blakely